The LUDO: Side effects

The Ludo: Side effects

In the previous part of this series, The LUDO: Visual beginning, you came to know that we were already having tensed relationship. Formalities were been integral parts of any type of contacts. But, the most beautiful thing was that it was all in mind. We did not let anyone, standing beside us, know what is going on among us. Neither our families nor our friends knew about the incident of 25th January night. Still, there are some in the circle of closest friends who knew. And it was I who told them, just to seek some help in getting them back normal. My access to some of the members that night was completely denied. Partially denied is wrong because ignorance is also categorized into complete denial.

Stage-1

I had drawn a scene (the cover of previous series) showing the LUDO game we were playing on 25 January night. The drawing was pasted on a wall in my room. It is pasted in front where I can see it, lying on my bed. But for some days back, it started falling with it's top right corner as displayed in first frame in above photo.

Some days back, my family member asked me why I was not talking to my friends as frequently as I used to. I answered them they got busy. They asked if they were busy all the time. And I answered in negative saying that we didn't know the timing when the other would be available to take calls. They asked whether everyone had got busy or some were still there to take calls. I didn't reply.

Stage-2

I was fixing the drawing again and again, but not gluing it. I thought it will be fixed with the remaining glue in it. But with the increasing heat in the room, it was melting and losing it's durability. I again fixed it without applying extra glue and patted at the corner.

That evening I called one of my friends and told him my family was expecting their calls. He said he would try something for that. And the next morning I had a call from one of the not accessible friends. He reached me and stayed until the members of my family saw him present. It was not surprising for me. I knew something like that would happen. We talked normally like we used to do before. Noone could even had a random guess that things were not normal between us. And after eating some food, we left each to his home.

Stage-3

2-3 days ago, I saw 45% of the drawing was hanging and rest 55% was still sticked with the wall. I immidiately fixed it, but without applying extra glue material. And the next morning, it was completely fallen to my computer table.

I was texting with a friend who was there that night. The convo was about a trip plan to Gupta Dham for which I had already denied from joining them. Yet he was trying to convince me. But in try to convince me, our conversation took another turn. I told him he should keep in touch and he asked whether I was in touch with all. I replied in positive. He asked if I had an access to the most inaccessible one. I replied yes but last convo was made days back. He asked why and added if I my number was recharged. I replied in positive saying I should do that when need.

Stage-4

I removed the glue material from the drawing, and applied new and extra glue double tape. Then I pasted the drawing against wall at the same place where it was. Now I can see this again before falling asleep in my room. Every night, the drawing reminds me to think whether I was right or wrong that night of 25th January. And I fall asleep everyday thinking of it withouth reaching on a decision.

This evening, there was an online exam of one of my closest village mate friend. The examination required a system with window 8 and above, webcam, mic, speakers and some more. We hired a laptop from another village mate friend. Minutes after lending us laptop, he called and said he needed it. We returned him the laptop. We literally had no idea who to borrow laptop from. I fished out for some other options, but there was none.

And, I decided to go with the only option I had, to call him. Here, 'him' refers to the same person which I had mentioned above as 'the most inaccessible one' in the context. But it told me busy without even a short ring. I called again but it was still busy.

There are three possibilities when it tells you to be busy without any ring. The first, the phone is already ringing with someone else's call. Either he is calling someone, or someone else is calling him before you. The second, he is busy with someone else with first number and you are trying the second number in his handset. And the third is, you are blocked with the number.

I didn't understand which possibility was applied there on me. I called him again after some times, but it was still busy. And once again like the drawing, fixed myself within a limitation. The drawing always reminds me, before falling asleep, my limitations. Maybe I am still not sure whether I was right or not. But after that night, I had made a mindset how to deal with myself when around people both physically and mentally.

And hence, The LUDO: The Side Effects is concluded. The fall of drawing was the fall of limitations. It should not.

बुरा लगता है...

 

बुरा लगता है...

निधि नरवाल की एक कविता है, Odd One Out (बुरा लगता है)। मैंने उस कविता को अपने शब्दों में लिखने का प्रयास किया है। जब दोस्त के कदम (किन्ही मजबुरियों में ही सही) एक बार बाहर निकल जाते हैं, तो उसकी दुनिया बदल जाती है। फिर चाहे आपके या उसके लिए दुनिया का अर्थ कुछ भी हो।

इसी पर कहा है

दोस्त निकल के औरों के हैं दोस्त हो गए

उनका क्या जो गाँव में ही बेकार हैं बैठे,

(Friends became friends of many after once going out. But what about those who didn't go out ever?)

कुछ के हैं सहपाठी कुछ के सहकर्मी है,

हम ही हैं, जो अपने मन को मार हैं बैठे,

(Some have classmates and some have colleagues. Only we are here with hopelessness and disappointment.)

जीत लिया कुछ ने वो हीरा आसानी से,

खेला ना, फिर भी वो दोस्ती हार है बैठे,

(Some has effortlessly won the diamond (my friend), while we lost it without playing a game.)

घुमे जिन संग हमने बाग-बगीचे, आहर,

यादों के संग आज भी अपने द्वार हैं बैठे,

(Sitting at the doorsteps with the memories when used to walk across the orchards, gardens and water reservoirs.)

मेरा बस है वो और उसका एक मैं भी हूँ,

हम फारिग हैं, दोस्त से पर लाचार हैं बैठे,

(I have only him, while he has me like many others. We are free, but helpless by our friends.)

मिलते रहने के वादे पर जो थे दस्तखत,

कागज़ का वो टुकड़ा तो हम फाड़ हैं बैठे

(Torn off the piece of paper on which we had signed the agreement of keeping in touch.)

This poetry is already published on my YourQuote page (link below) on February 19, 2024. But reposting it here so that more readers can shower love.

By the way, some links to approach me for my works (significant and trivial) are provided below:

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Second Blog 

The LUDO: Visual beginning

 

An arial view to the room and positions of members

No no no no no, I don't call it errogance, because it was not a. It was just a misunderstanding in each's mind that he is more firm at his decision and commitment. It was all messed up.

Jokes apart, we were playing LUDO in my phone. My phone was the epicentre of we four players that was kept to the guy in front of me, and my team mate. Yes, I would like to mention that we were playing 2 by 2. Everything was going great. We were in two different teams, attacking our opponents and trying to escape from there attacks. Rolling the dice and praying for the lucky number, and cracking jokes after lucky or unlucky numbers were so smooth that anyone could have an attracting glance.

But!!!!!!! After the completion of one game in 2 by 2 mode, we switched to separate mode on my request, refering the reason to the delay in Baraat. And this was my biggest mistake, I think. We were teams before the last game. We were together in all ups and downs, praying for our partners lucky number on dice. We were in teams, protecting each other and providing cover to our partners from the opponent team.

But then, we were separate, facing three evil doors and twelve enemies in the field to complete a round, and resisting the other three colours from completing a round. Earlier, we had 8 tokens to protect each other, complete a round and attack when need. Now, we had 4 tokens to complete a round, but had to protect them from 12 tokens in the field, until the token get to the safe zone, which is Home obviously. Earlier we were in team, so there were only 8 tokens were opponents, which had 2 dice rolls. So, each had to fear from 2 dice rolls. Now, there were 12 tokens in opponent, which had 3 dice rolls. Earlier, the dice rolls were alternative to the team, i.e. First team First member, then Second team First member, then First team Second member and then Second team Second member and so on. But then, everyone's turn were back after 3 dice rolls. So, each had to fear from 3 dice rolls.

Moral is, we were divided into individuals, and we were no more a team. And the division expanded from a play to real-life, when out of that LUDO players, one member interrupted our play. He was trying to have a view to the positions of other people, waiting for the Baraat.

Ohh, I forgot to mention the reson for our gathering. It was a marriage function, and we 7 members from our circle had taken part into the function to witness the newly established relation between the two families. And, since I have mentioned the word Baraat two times in above paragraphs, it is clear that it was a girl's marriage. She is our sister. In wedding, we find it easier to be a part of the ceremonial function at home of relative, than to be accompanied in the journy from home to in-laws. No one except I and Prashant had taken part in Tilak.

I, being honest, would like to mention that one point from my New Year's resolutions was To avoid gatherings. Even the get together parties and unusual friends meetings. It was just because my last year expendeture was truly not affordable in my pocket/budget. If no one from my family has complaint me for this, doesn't mean I am free for it. The resolution was Try to avoid gathering and get together parties. But don't break up the friendship. It's just, I wanted a "FRIENDSHIP for BENEFITS". I wanted a new start where Friendship shall be used in need, and talking will continue as it was going.

It was not a good decision. I know at least. But, I would like to confess that the decision was not my wish. It was a compulson. After trying everything at my best, I took this the only option to restrain my expendetures out of my pocket. And yes, the term "Friendship for Benefits" is not new. Many successful friendship stories are there.

Yet, for many in my circle, it's selfishness more than co-operation. It's egoism more than it is minding our own businesses with first preference. And I am trying to implement something very new and cruel for this 7 years old Friendship. Just because my intentions are clear, and I have announced them in the group, I am responsible for every change. And thus, I am at pinpoint.

I know I was not right last night. It is a very popular line of Sir Harivansh Ray Bachchan that "लड़ाई अपने से हो, तो जीत जाना चाहिए। पर अगर अपनों से हो, तो हार जाना चाहिए।" And that time, I could not distinguish whether that was came upon me or the poeple I am recognised because of. We used to be complement for each other. And I don't know what suddenly happend to me. I lost my control after his irritation.

Yes, I got that irritating. He first interfered among us in our play, despite I tried to stop him. It's Ok. He should have checked the Baraat status. And for this, he didn't take our help. He just passed through the gap, interrupting us in our play. And then went to the terrace. I don't know what he observed. He returned after two minutes. I resisted him not to interrupt us. But he did not listen to me. I requested him, to change his seat and sit somewhere else where we won't be disturbed. But he opposed the idea.

I had been experiencing this for last four times. He was continuously opposing my ideas. I had observed also that he was teasing me more than it should have been. And those teasing had turned physical. I don't know whether it was a kind of expressing the bond between the two or what. But I didn't like them, and had requested not to repeat again. But, as I said, my request was ignored.

Not only I, but all four LUDO players suggested him the same thing that it was not Ok to disturb 4 people for the one and only you. But he was firm at his decision, and that turned my request into order, failing which I turned violent. He thrown my phone three times so that I could let him go through the gap among we four. And then I thought why me all the time to step back!!!???

This is not a question, raised when feeling down among people. This is a genuine question. Everytime since the first day of my friendship with anyone, it is me who first step back everytime. And such situation made me lost my temper. I made a commitment that no one, and I was clear when saying 'no one', would pass through the gap until 'the game is over', and I would see who tried to pass. I get back my phone to resume the game after warning him for the last time against interrupting us.

And........ he did not follow. He again picked up my phone and thrown it the other side. I grabed his phone and said that I would break that. Reacting to my anger, he picked my phone and said he would do the same. I tried to grab my phone to get back. And then we got into a scuffle. It was not a fight. No one was hurt except the ego. And the ego that was not similar to self respect. It was the proud on one another. The belief that the person before me won't disappoint me when I ask him to do something for me.

It turned a pin drop silence when we get back after I step back. Yes, it was me who step back again, because someone said it was not good to fight in someone else's function. And then he left the function after making a phone call to the person who had invited us all. Logically it should have my take to leave the party/function to exhaust my frustration of stepping back. But I could not. Becuase there were people, I had share my bike's back seat with. And they were completely depended on me in case of staying at night. Also that they were depended on me in case of having food, enjoying the party, returning home, timepass and every little thing.

Few minutes after he left the party with his bike mate, the remaining people in the room started talking about him. They were looking down on him. The same people who were ready to let him pass through the gap, were saying that he should have changed his seat. They said they were noticing the discomfort between us, when around.

I was feeling very bad. It was that if I had left the function, they would have talking the same thing about me. But, since I had not left the function, and also that they were depended on me, the talks were about him. And then I realised my mistake what I had lost. I had lost the chance when I could still save the bond.

I resumed the game. One player had left the game to go with him. So another person tried to be his replacement. But I did not allow anyone to continue the game. I played the entire game lonely. Every dice roll, every token move, ever beating and escaping, every destination reaching were performed by one and only me. Rest of the member tried to pass through the gap during the game. But I did not allow them, even when some ladies came into the room to have a clear view of Baraat. And I finished the entire game, sitting alone in the room. And I moved when the game was over.

My token was red.

The game was over. I took third position. But he did not participate in the game. There was no team anymore. We were against each other and their opinion. My first mistake was my new year's resolution, second was no team match idea, third was resisting him against passing through us, fourth was not stepping back, when he was firm at his decision, fifth was not leaving the function just after him.

I know we can't be same at different topics. If I say that was not right time for my take, you may say that was not even a right take at anytime. Yet, I'm trying hard to get the things normal among us. I know it's not easy to forget. And I'm not saying to forget that. But all I'm saying is to ignore the incident and let's resume everything. Because I don't want anything to leave incomplete. I hope there will be a changed bond. I know there will be seen formalities more than feelings. But it won't mean there will not be feelings.