It's been a Decade now

 

An AI Generated Photo

It all started with a glimpse. I can remember the date, 28th of December, 2013, Saturday. There was an inter-school competition, called Baal Mela Pratiyogita, organised in Urdu School. This competition was used to be organised every year for the student of primary and middle schools. Hence, it can be figured out that I was just a viewer in the event, not a performer. But, there were more people in my category. And some, despite being a student of middle school, had come into the event like a viewer. And, she was one of them.

The main purpose of writing this note is that, if someone find it, and had sympathy with me, please convey the message to her what I felt for her, and what she matters to me!!! Because I'm a bit chicken hearted. And may be because I fear from her reaction and reply in positive.

See, the rejection is always a threat to everyone. Nobody wants to be rejected with his/her idea/proposal. Not even when he is planning something inhumane. But what I fear from is, what if she agrees to my proposal. And, the thing to note that This Note Is Not A Proposal. It's just a message, to be read and conveyed to the deserving person, not elsewhere.

I'm the one who had once rejected a proposal, saying that I can't make it in my own village, as it may lead to dishonour and bad reputation. And the girl who had proposed me firmly said that if I could not make it with her, she would never be in a relationship with anyone until she would get married. It was not because I literally did not want to make it in my village. It was that I do not want to make it anywhere. I think this is just a time-pass. And I don't want to do it. If I don't do time-pass, may be I become a time-pass for someone. And this makes a threat to me.

I repeat that this is not a proposal note. My intention behind this note is crystal clear that I just want to convey my feelings and emotions for her and don't want her reply. It would be the best if things remain same even after she gets my message and acts like she doesn't know anything.

To make this note more clear, I am taking it into some details. She was standing at the other side of the school yard, with a pillar, surrounded by some girls. I was standing with my friends. I was having a close view on the performances, going on on stage. And in that while, one of my friends, with his exhibitory eyes, searched the girl. He turned my head toward her, asking, "What about this view?"

At that time I first saw her, she was looking towards the stage with half closed eyes or maybe she had just opened her eyes after a blink. She was smiling or maybe trying to control her laugh. Things were not in slow-motion. And even I did not imagine that in slow-mo. Because I was totally unaware of the things to come.

After the event was over, everyone left for their respective homes. Fortunately, our way to home was same. And, here it all took the shape, it is now. Her sitting in a Bolero and getting disappeared in front of my eyes left a place empty in somewhere in my heart. It was not because I fell in love with her. It was not because I had some sensations for her. There was nothing like that.

What it was actually about, was the voice from my inner self that her face with simplicity could be seen further. She looked so simple and natural that looking at her, I just forgot everything. And this remained till today. Even today, when I see her, I forget everything but her face. Even that when someone ask me what she was wearing, I can't remember. Because I've never seen anything, but her face. Because when I first saw her, it was only her face that gave me some good vibes. I saw a lot of girls at different places, villages, towns, cities, ceremonies, colleges or elsewhere. But the satisfaction that I felt looking at her face is yet not found anywhere else.

But, when she left me there on the streets, I was not on zero again. I had her memories, which I was recalling on every blink. I asked my friends for help so that I could find her. I was searching for her for a special purpose which I did in due course. Whenever I felt not good, I just visited her village to have a glimpse of her. This was the best remedy for me.

After a lot of efforts, I got to know her village, her house location and her name. These were enough for me. Some of my friends got to know about her, and could recognise her. This was very helpful for me. Because whenever she is seen somewhere and I was not around, my friends used to inform me with her accurate position.

A lot of fortune and good luck along with efforts made it 59 lucky days in which I got to see her face, sometimes for one third of a second. Yet, I count it in completed and don't distinguish from other days when I got enough time to look at her. The 59 times coming her across, which are getting fade, are 2 times at her school, 2 times on bicycle, 7 times on bike, 3 times in bus, 21 times in market, 17 times in her village, 1 time while returning from board exam, 4 times in nearby village Chhath Ghat, 1 time at my village Chhath Ghat are included.

Yes! The days exist when I got enough time to look at her. One of them which I always want to recreate was when she was sitting in a shop and curling her hair. And I??? I was standing alone by the other side of the road, desperately looking at her, trying not to blink. Standing alone because it was raining heavily, and I was completely wet in the rain. My notebook and even my phone were wet in the rain. But for me, looking at her was more important than safeguarding my phone and notebook. Vehicles were passing by and creating hindrance between us. But I was trying my best to continuously look at her, even through the glass of the vehicles. When the rain stopped after almost one and a half hour, she went away on a bike, and I was on my bicycle.

AI Generated representative image

So, if those 59 lucky days are counted 60, then I have seen her 6 times every year on an average. As the title says, it's been 10 years since I saw her first. This tells she had appeared in front of me after every two months. Coming into more details, she appeared 59 times in 3652 days. That means she was seen after almost every 62nd day. The calculation looks satisfying to the readers. What else can be desired if I get chances to see her every 2nd month?

But, the reality is different from the mathematical calculation. Her appearance was dense in earlier days. But with the passing of time, it became rare and rare to have a glimpse of her. I stopped making any effort like going to her village, following a routine on market time, and keeping an eye on her academic activities (i.e. college form filling, taking exams and other). One other reason behind this was many of my friends who knew her left the village/state for academic or economic purposes. So, there no one left to inform me about her.

Yet, I do not complain about her rare appearances. Because I never ever wanted to make any approach to her. In my early days, I used to visit her to see. But later, when I recalled my commitments, I stopped there. The more I make efforts, the more I get myself falling for her. So, I stopped myself from making efforts. And the result is here. Her last five glimpses were as follows:-

After months

5. 14/11/2018 – at Kaup, Kartik Chhath 4th day. She was returning home, and I had specially cut time to have a glimpse of her. There I saw her for one eighth second. I could merely recognize her.

Representative image of returning from Chhath Ghat

After 2 years, 9 months and 14 days (1018 days)

4. 28/08/2021 – at Garhani, Didi's room. I was informed about her visit, and followed her. Then luckily I got chance to host her along with her father. That is the second longest duration I saw her ever. Almost one and a half hour. (Detailed post is in Draft as yet.)

Representative illustration of a room

After 7 months and 10 days (222 days)

3. 07/04/2022 – at Sun Temple, on Chaiti Chhath. After returning from Belaur, I thought to have a flying visit at our village Sun Temple. And fortunately, reaching at the main gate and taking a turn, headlight focused at her face and I could not imagine my thankfulness level.

Representative image of girl sitting near temple door

After 11 months and 3 days (337 days)

2. 10/03/2023 – near Sun Temple. I was having an excursion ride. Near the Sun Temple, I saw her father coming on bike. But when he reached near me to cross, my eyes fell on her, and as soon as I could recognize her, the bike went away.

Representative image of man riding bike and girl sitting behind

After 8 months and 23 days (268 days)

1. 03/12/2023 – at Garhani. When returning home, I saw her father walking. In a hope of her presence nearby, I slowed down and followed him till the shop where she was eating Samosa with one of her cousins. This reminded me of the early days when I used to follow her throughout the market, till she went off. I thought to repeat the moment. But soon, she finished her Samosa and went away, seating on her uncle's bike with her cousin. But, when I followed her, she was seen on a Jewellery Shop.

Representative image of Samosa Vendor

Her going to a Jewellery shop made me think, she has come to the age where her parents/guardians must be thinking of her marriage. And I came home!!!! This doesn't disappoint me. Specially her marriage or affair(s) and her opinion about me never mattered to me. Because I'd decided in my early days of having crush upon her that I would never approach her to make something between us. And I remember that.

But, what disappoints me is that I will miss the chance of confessing my feelings for her, to her. And the guilt that she must have a misconception regarding my activities I do in front of her. She must have considered me in the stalkers type boys. I know that I'd done some stupid activities in the early days. But my intentions were crystal clear.

If I say 'I like her', then it has two different meaning in Hindi. But the most common will be the one in which I is the subject of the sentence. But the other meaning is 'She looks nice to me.' In this meaning, She is the subject of the sentence. It's she who has the quality that can be looked nice to someone. If I is the subject then then her qualities are ignored in the sentence. But in my sense, I like her because she has the qualities that not only I but anyone can like her.

See, there are two different things. If she doesn't know me, doesn't remember me, then it's ok. But if she knows me and has set an image of me, I would like her to make some changes into that. Because I am not that type of boy she knows. Since the first day, the only thing I desired is to look at her, nothing else. And when it comes to look at her, it's just looking at her face, nothing else. I look at her face to see a face collectively. I don't see her separately in eyes, nose, lips, cheeks, eyebrows, eyelid, ears, hairs, neck, figure/shape, height or anything. I see a whole of her.

In short, I never look at anyone, I repeat anyone, except their face. Because God has created face to distinguish people. Name is given by us. A name can be common. So I look at face. Further that I never imagine what would be under the clothes. So I don't look at other than face. If she were seen frequently, I would never have fished out her name and village details. Because there are three ways to see her.

1. She is seen frequently. And this is uncertain.

2. I try to see her. For this, I need your details to make an approach.

3. Her photographs. But I wanted to see her growing old. The wait for an uncertain time has its different type of feeling. If I see her in photographs in my mobile, this will become effortless.

The core purpose of the note is nothing matters to me other than her face. Not even her caste, religion, belief, character, family background, status, whether she is single, committed, married or engages, her attitude, whether stormy, pacifist, irritable, literate, illiterate, family members, nothing matters to me. And when I say it doesn't matter, it really doesn't matter. Because non of these can change my feelings for her.

There are so many reasons to call her my crush. But I don't call her my Crush. Instead, I say I have a crush on her. Because the word 'Crush' somewhere refers to the term 'Dream/Desire/Wish/Hope...' It brings a lot of dreams in our favour. And I don't want the dream remain incomplete to hurt me. See, I'm not hurt even after seeing her in the jewellery shop. But the other factor is also true that since the day I first saw her I've written so many poetries, short stories, quotes and two novels out of which one is published on Amazon and the other is missing after a friend borrowed that from me.

After going through the above paragraphs, anyone can have the question 'Why she?'. I don't know. The only thing I can say is that when I saw her first, I felt like the view can be seen. I wanted to see her again and again. It was satisfying to see her, smiling, unaware of surroundings, with innocence. But the smile must be of her own. If I see her tensed or abnormal, I will never try to know the reason behind and solve it. Because that will show my selfishness. I can't make her smile or laugh just because I feel satisfied looking at her.

Going through the passage again you'll see I've not asked any question. Because I've already said this note is not a proposal. I don't like her. But this never means I dislike her. Not being someone's friends doesn't mean he is my enemy. Liking her is easy, disliking is tough. Yet, I do the later. None of my friends call her Bhabhi, Maal, Bandi, GF or any bad/offensive word. Because they know the extent to which I can go. I can see her from a distance, desperately.

I don't want her to fall for me. Because I can't make love with her. I'm committed to my future wife. I want to gift her an untouched man irrespective of her past. The purpose of the note is that, she must know there a man exist who only wants to see her from a distance, smiling with her own reason(s). Yes, I can see her without any sensation, ridiculous imaginations. Yes, I admit I looked at her without a blink. But never stared at her. I want my feelings to be expressed. I want her to know what she matters to me. I want her not to consider me in stalker type boys. I want her not to feel for me, not to fall for me. I want things to remain same even after she gets my message.

The footnote:-

After coming to the conclusion, I found that I don't like her, or she is not looked nice to me. The main thing is, I just feel good when I see her smiling face. This makes me forget everything that time, and just look at her until I feel bored. And she looks more interesting every time she comes across.

Above note is written on behalf of someone on request so that he can share the post link instead of sharing the voice note, or written note or typed message.

The LUDO: Side effects

The Ludo: Side effects

In the previous part of this series, The LUDO: Visual beginning, you came to know that we were already having tensed relationship. Formalities were been integral parts of any type of contacts. But, the most beautiful thing was that it was all in mind. We did not let anyone, standing beside us, know what is going on among us. Neither our families nor our friends knew about the incident of 25th January night. Still, there are some in the circle of closest friends who knew. And it was I who told them, just to seek some help in getting them back normal. My access to some of the members that night was completely denied. Partially denied is wrong because ignorance is also categorized into complete denial.

Stage-1

I had drawn a scene (the cover of previous series) showing the LUDO game we were playing on 25 January night. The drawing was pasted on a wall in my room. It is pasted in front where I can see it, lying on my bed. But for some days back, it started falling with it's top right corner as displayed in first frame in above photo.

Some days back, my family member asked me why I was not talking to my friends as frequently as I used to. I answered them they got busy. They asked if they were busy all the time. And I answered in negative saying that we didn't know the timing when the other would be available to take calls. They asked whether everyone had got busy or some were still there to take calls. I didn't reply.

Stage-2

I was fixing the drawing again and again, but not gluing it. I thought it will be fixed with the remaining glue in it. But with the increasing heat in the room, it was melting and losing it's durability. I again fixed it without applying extra glue and patted at the corner.

That evening I called one of my friends and told him my family was expecting their calls. He said he would try something for that. And the next morning I had a call from one of the not accessible friends. He reached me and stayed until the members of my family saw him present. It was not surprising for me. I knew something like that would happen. We talked normally like we used to do before. Noone could even had a random guess that things were not normal between us. And after eating some food, we left each to his home.

Stage-3

2-3 days ago, I saw 45% of the drawing was hanging and rest 55% was still sticked with the wall. I immidiately fixed it, but without applying extra glue material. And the next morning, it was completely fallen to my computer table.

I was texting with a friend who was there that night. The convo was about a trip plan to Gupta Dham for which I had already denied from joining them. Yet he was trying to convince me. But in try to convince me, our conversation took another turn. I told him he should keep in touch and he asked whether I was in touch with all. I replied in positive. He asked if I had an access to the most inaccessible one. I replied yes but last convo was made days back. He asked why and added if I my number was recharged. I replied in positive saying I should do that when need.

Stage-4

I removed the glue material from the drawing, and applied new and extra glue double tape. Then I pasted the drawing against wall at the same place where it was. Now I can see this again before falling asleep in my room. Every night, the drawing reminds me to think whether I was right or wrong that night of 25th January. And I fall asleep everyday thinking of it withouth reaching on a decision.

This evening, there was an online exam of one of my closest village mate friend. The examination required a system with window 8 and above, webcam, mic, speakers and some more. We hired a laptop from another village mate friend. Minutes after lending us laptop, he called and said he needed it. We returned him the laptop. We literally had no idea who to borrow laptop from. I fished out for some other options, but there was none.

And, I decided to go with the only option I had, to call him. Here, 'him' refers to the same person which I had mentioned above as 'the most inaccessible one' in the context. But it told me busy without even a short ring. I called again but it was still busy.

There are three possibilities when it tells you to be busy without any ring. The first, the phone is already ringing with someone else's call. Either he is calling someone, or someone else is calling him before you. The second, he is busy with someone else with first number and you are trying the second number in his handset. And the third is, you are blocked with the number.

I didn't understand which possibility was applied there on me. I called him again after some times, but it was still busy. And once again like the drawing, fixed myself within a limitation. The drawing always reminds me, before falling asleep, my limitations. Maybe I am still not sure whether I was right or not. But after that night, I had made a mindset how to deal with myself when around people both physically and mentally.

And hence, The LUDO: The Side Effects is concluded. The fall of drawing was the fall of limitations. It should not.

The LUDO: Visual beginning

 

An arial view to the room and positions of members

No no no no no, I don't call it errogance, because it was not a. It was just a misunderstanding in each's mind that he is more firm at his decision and commitment. It was all messed up.

Jokes apart, we were playing LUDO in my phone. My phone was the epicentre of we four players that was kept to the guy in front of me, and my team mate. Yes, I would like to mention that we were playing 2 by 2. Everything was going great. We were in two different teams, attacking our opponents and trying to escape from there attacks. Rolling the dice and praying for the lucky number, and cracking jokes after lucky or unlucky numbers were so smooth that anyone could have an attracting glance.

But!!!!!!! After the completion of one game in 2 by 2 mode, we switched to separate mode on my request, refering the reason to the delay in Baraat. And this was my biggest mistake, I think. We were teams before the last game. We were together in all ups and downs, praying for our partners lucky number on dice. We were in teams, protecting each other and providing cover to our partners from the opponent team.

But then, we were separate, facing three evil doors and twelve enemies in the field to complete a round, and resisting the other three colours from completing a round. Earlier, we had 8 tokens to protect each other, complete a round and attack when need. Now, we had 4 tokens to complete a round, but had to protect them from 12 tokens in the field, until the token get to the safe zone, which is Home obviously. Earlier we were in team, so there were only 8 tokens were opponents, which had 2 dice rolls. So, each had to fear from 2 dice rolls. Now, there were 12 tokens in opponent, which had 3 dice rolls. Earlier, the dice rolls were alternative to the team, i.e. First team First member, then Second team First member, then First team Second member and then Second team Second member and so on. But then, everyone's turn were back after 3 dice rolls. So, each had to fear from 3 dice rolls.

Moral is, we were divided into individuals, and we were no more a team. And the division expanded from a play to real-life, when out of that LUDO players, one member interrupted our play. He was trying to have a view to the positions of other people, waiting for the Baraat.

Ohh, I forgot to mention the reson for our gathering. It was a marriage function, and we 7 members from our circle had taken part into the function to witness the newly established relation between the two families. And, since I have mentioned the word Baraat two times in above paragraphs, it is clear that it was a girl's marriage. She is our sister. In wedding, we find it easier to be a part of the ceremonial function at home of relative, than to be accompanied in the journy from home to in-laws. No one except I and Prashant had taken part in Tilak.

I, being honest, would like to mention that one point from my New Year's resolutions was To avoid gatherings. Even the get together parties and unusual friends meetings. It was just because my last year expendeture was truly not affordable in my pocket/budget. If no one from my family has complaint me for this, doesn't mean I am free for it. The resolution was Try to avoid gathering and get together parties. But don't break up the friendship. It's just, I wanted a "FRIENDSHIP for BENEFITS". I wanted a new start where Friendship shall be used in need, and talking will continue as it was going.

It was not a good decision. I know at least. But, I would like to confess that the decision was not my wish. It was a compulson. After trying everything at my best, I took this the only option to restrain my expendetures out of my pocket. And yes, the term "Friendship for Benefits" is not new. Many successful friendship stories are there.

Yet, for many in my circle, it's selfishness more than co-operation. It's egoism more than it is minding our own businesses with first preference. And I am trying to implement something very new and cruel for this 7 years old Friendship. Just because my intentions are clear, and I have announced them in the group, I am responsible for every change. And thus, I am at pinpoint.

I know I was not right last night. It is a very popular line of Sir Harivansh Ray Bachchan that "लड़ाई अपने से हो, तो जीत जाना चाहिए। पर अगर अपनों से हो, तो हार जाना चाहिए।" And that time, I could not distinguish whether that was came upon me or the poeple I am recognised because of. We used to be complement for each other. And I don't know what suddenly happend to me. I lost my control after his irritation.

Yes, I got that irritating. He first interfered among us in our play, despite I tried to stop him. It's Ok. He should have checked the Baraat status. And for this, he didn't take our help. He just passed through the gap, interrupting us in our play. And then went to the terrace. I don't know what he observed. He returned after two minutes. I resisted him not to interrupt us. But he did not listen to me. I requested him, to change his seat and sit somewhere else where we won't be disturbed. But he opposed the idea.

I had been experiencing this for last four times. He was continuously opposing my ideas. I had observed also that he was teasing me more than it should have been. And those teasing had turned physical. I don't know whether it was a kind of expressing the bond between the two or what. But I didn't like them, and had requested not to repeat again. But, as I said, my request was ignored.

Not only I, but all four LUDO players suggested him the same thing that it was not Ok to disturb 4 people for the one and only you. But he was firm at his decision, and that turned my request into order, failing which I turned violent. He thrown my phone three times so that I could let him go through the gap among we four. And then I thought why me all the time to step back!!!???

This is not a question, raised when feeling down among people. This is a genuine question. Everytime since the first day of my friendship with anyone, it is me who first step back everytime. And such situation made me lost my temper. I made a commitment that no one, and I was clear when saying 'no one', would pass through the gap until 'the game is over', and I would see who tried to pass. I get back my phone to resume the game after warning him for the last time against interrupting us.

And........ he did not follow. He again picked up my phone and thrown it the other side. I grabed his phone and said that I would break that. Reacting to my anger, he picked my phone and said he would do the same. I tried to grab my phone to get back. And then we got into a scuffle. It was not a fight. No one was hurt except the ego. And the ego that was not similar to self respect. It was the proud on one another. The belief that the person before me won't disappoint me when I ask him to do something for me.

It turned a pin drop silence when we get back after I step back. Yes, it was me who step back again, because someone said it was not good to fight in someone else's function. And then he left the function after making a phone call to the person who had invited us all. Logically it should have my take to leave the party/function to exhaust my frustration of stepping back. But I could not. Becuase there were people, I had share my bike's back seat with. And they were completely depended on me in case of staying at night. Also that they were depended on me in case of having food, enjoying the party, returning home, timepass and every little thing.

Few minutes after he left the party with his bike mate, the remaining people in the room started talking about him. They were looking down on him. The same people who were ready to let him pass through the gap, were saying that he should have changed his seat. They said they were noticing the discomfort between us, when around.

I was feeling very bad. It was that if I had left the function, they would have talking the same thing about me. But, since I had not left the function, and also that they were depended on me, the talks were about him. And then I realised my mistake what I had lost. I had lost the chance when I could still save the bond.

I resumed the game. One player had left the game to go with him. So another person tried to be his replacement. But I did not allow anyone to continue the game. I played the entire game lonely. Every dice roll, every token move, ever beating and escaping, every destination reaching were performed by one and only me. Rest of the member tried to pass through the gap during the game. But I did not allow them, even when some ladies came into the room to have a clear view of Baraat. And I finished the entire game, sitting alone in the room. And I moved when the game was over.

My token was red.

The game was over. I took third position. But he did not participate in the game. There was no team anymore. We were against each other and their opinion. My first mistake was my new year's resolution, second was no team match idea, third was resisting him against passing through us, fourth was not stepping back, when he was firm at his decision, fifth was not leaving the function just after him.

I know we can't be same at different topics. If I say that was not right time for my take, you may say that was not even a right take at anytime. Yet, I'm trying hard to get the things normal among us. I know it's not easy to forget. And I'm not saying to forget that. But all I'm saying is to ignore the incident and let's resume everything. Because I don't want anything to leave incomplete. I hope there will be a changed bond. I know there will be seen formalities more than feelings. But it won't mean there will not be feelings.

इस साल छठ में मैं घर आ गया

 

बाज़ार लग जाने के समय से थोड़ा पहले

और इस साल छठ में मैं घर आ गया.......

ये कहानी सिर्फ किसी ऐसे इंसान की नहीं है जो अपने घर से दूर किसी नौकरी पेशा अथवा सेवा में रहता है और छठ महापर्व के अवसर पर अपने घर आया है। बल्कि ये हर उस इंसान के बारे में है जिसके घर छठ नहीं हो रहा है।

परसो नहाय खाय था। वैसे ये बात तो मुझे बहुत दिनों से याद है, लेकिन परसो उसी समय भूल गया जब सबसे ज्यादा मुझे याद रहनी चाहिए थी। गेहूं की बोरी लेकर जब मिल में पहुंचा तो मिल वाले ने पूछ लिया:- "अमनिया ह नू? काहे कि चक्की धो देले बानी" और उसके इस सवाल पर मैं कुछ बोलकर जवाब नहीं दे पाया, बस ना में सिर हिला दिया। भारी मन से अपनी गेहूं की बोरी उठाई, और इस साल छठ में मैं घर आ गया।

परसो मैं छठ घाट की तरफ गया। सूर्य मंदिर प्रांगण में एक particular जगह है जहां हर साल हमारा घाट हुआ करता है। लगातार 5 साल हम उस एक ही जगह पर घाट की सफाई करके पूजा करते आए हैं। परसो भी मैंने वो छठ घाट साफ किया हुआ (घास पतवार छिला हुआ) देखा। पर इस बार वो घाट मैंने नहीं छिला है, जैसा कि मैं करते आया करता था। और जब मैंने उस घाट को साफ किया हुआ देखा तो मेरी हिम्मत नहीं हुई जाकर देख लूं किसका नाम लिखा है उस घाट पर। मन में ये नहीं आया कि कोई बात नहीं, मैं इस बार कहीं और घाट बना लूंगा। बस, आँखें भींगने भींगने को हो गई, मन में ये खयाल आते ही कि इस बार मेरे यहां छठ नहीं होगा। और फिर, मैंने उस घाट की तरफ से अपनी नजर ऐसे फेर ली, जैसे वो वहां है भी नहीं। और इस तरह इस साल छठ में मैं घर आ गया।

कल खरना था। हां, इस बार कुछ नहीं भुला। बाजार पर एक काम था। और काम भी ऐसा था जिसको टाल नहीं सकते थे। तो कुछ दिनों से मेरी पैदल जाने की आदत बनी हुई है। मैं Bike ले जाना पसंद नहीं करता, जब मुझे अकेले जाना हो तो। कई बार अपना संतुलन खो चुका हूं अकेले bike चलाते हुए। तो, रास्ते साफ थे और मैं चले जा रहा था। पता था कि कल इन्हीं रास्तों पर चुने या अबीर (गुलाल) से स्वागत note लिखा जायेगा, और लोग रंगोली बनाना सीखेंगे, घाट की तरफ इशारा करते हुए तीर के निशान और दोनों तरफ Lining, एक बॉर्डर की तरह बनाई जाएंगी। क्योंकि कल इन्हीं रास्तों पर पैदल और नंगे पैर चलकर जाने कितने व्रती और श्रद्धालु अपने अपने घाट और घाट से अपने अपने घर को जायेंगे।

बाज़ार इधर से जाते समय कम घना था लोगों से। समय सुबह के करीब 11 बज रहे थे। मैं आगे बढ़ा तो बनास नदी बड़ी पुल पर ईख दिखा। उसकी तस्वीर ली मैंने। तस्वीर लेने के पीछे कारण ये था कि पिछले साल मेरे एक बहुत ही अजीज दोस्त ने ईख की उपलब्धता के बारे में पूछा था, और मैं बता नहीं पाया था। जिस कारण जब वो आया अपने गांव से ईख लेकर बेचने के लिए, तो उतनी बिक्री नहीं हुई। लेकिन फिर मुझे याद आया कि वो दोस्त तो इस बार गांव आया ही नहीं है।

मैं आगे बढ़ा और अपना काम पूरा किया, जिसके लिए मैं बाजार गया था। पर वापसी में बाजार में इतनी घनी भीड़ थी, कि पैदल चलने के लिए भी इस बात का इंतजार करना पड़ रहा था कि आगे वाला पैदल व्यक्ति आगे बढ़ेगा तो हम भी बढ़ेगे।

बाजार की तस्वीर आप सबको पता है। सड़क के दोनों तरफ दुकानें, एक दूसरे से सटी हुई। सभी दुकानों की शकल बिलकुल एक जैसी। आगे दोनों तरफ ईख, ऊपर झूलते हुए माटी फल और गागल, नीचे नारियल, गागल, कोहड़ा, बगल में एक तरफ तीन किस्म और तीन अलग अलग भाव वाले सेब, एक तरफ अमरूद और दूसरे फल, सबसे पीछे फलों की पेटियों से निकलने वाले कागज और कचरे, और उन्हीं के बगल में केले के घवद, बीच में बैठा होगा बिक्रेता, जिसके आगे होंगे छोटे छोटे और सूखे फल, जैसे हल्दी, अदरक, बादाम, पंचमेवा, आर्ता, और फिर अगरबत्तियां, वगैरह। दुकानें बड़ी या छोटी हो सकती हैं, उसपर काम करने वाले कर्मी भी 4 या उससे अधिक हो सकते हैं, ये ध्यान रखने के लिए कि कोई मुफ्त में ही उठाकर चल न दे।

भीड़ को देखा मैंने। पर कल भीड़ को देखकर मुझे अपने बिहारी होने पर उतना गर्व नहीं हो रहा था। क्योंकि कल मैं उस भीड़ को देखकर प्रसन्न होने वालों में नहीं था। कल मैं उस भीड़ से खुद को बचते बचाते निकाल पाने की कोशिश कर रहा था। कल मैं खुद को उस भीड़ का हिस्सा भी नहीं बनाना चाहता था। कल मैं देख रहा था कि लोग खरीददारी कर रहे हैं। लेकिन कल मैं किसी प्रकार का मोल भाव या Bargaining नहीं कर रहा था। कल मेरे हाथ में बोरा या झोला नहीं था, जिसमें फलों को खरीद कर आराम से घर ले जा सकता था मैं। कल फलों के सस्ते होने से ज़्यादा उनके अच्छे होने जैसी कोई प्राथमिकता वाली बात नहीं थी। कल मेरे मन में हाथ में आरता और रूई, पान पत्ता और सुपारी, मोमबत्ती और अगरबत्तियां, मिट्टी के दिए आदि बेचने वाले छोटे छोटे बच्चों के प्रति कोई विशेष सहानुभूति नहीं थी। मेरा मन भारी था, मेरे कदम भारी हो रहे थे, मेरे आंख नम होने वाले थे, मेरा गला रूंधने वाला था, सिर्फ ये सोचकर कि इस बार मेरे यहां छठ नहीं हो रहा है। और फिर बिना किसी से कुछ कहे, बिना कोई मोल भाव किए, बिना कुछ खरीदे इस साल छठ में मैं घर आ गया।

कल खरना था। सुबह जब मैं टहलने निकला तो एक जन दूध खरीद रहे थे, Dairy में दूध पहुंचाने जाने वाले से। कम से कम चार लीटर खरीदा ही होगा। मुझे याद आया, आज खरना है, आज खीर बनेगी, गुड़ वाली, और पीतल या मिट्टी के बर्तन में बनेगी। किसी भी बिहारी से पूछ लेना, खरना के खीर का स्वाद कैसा होता है, और मैं लिख के देता हूं, वो तुम्हें बता नहीं पाएगा। और मैं आपको ये भी लिख कर देता हूं, जब आप हमारे यहां आकर वो खीर खायेंगे, आप भी नहीं बता पाएंगे।

शाम को व्रती लोग सूर्य मंदिर प्रांगण के पोखरा में स्नान करके वापस आ रही थी, छठ के पारंपरिक गीतों को गाते हुए, दो या अधिक के समूह में। उन पारंपरिक गीतों में उनके स्वजनों के नाम शामिल थे। और स्वजनों के नाम भी एक श्रृंखला में होते हैं, उम्र के हिसाब से। हमारे घर जब छठ होता है तो हम अपने आपने नामों का इंतजार करते हैं। आज भी छठ के गीत में अपना नाम सुनने पर हमें वो बचपन वाली ही feeling आती है।

शाम को गांव की गलियों में निकला। गीतें अब भी गुनगुनाई जा रही थी। लोग जिनके यहां खरना की विधि पूरी हो चुकी थी, वो लोग अपने घरों से बर्तनों में प्रसाद के रूप में खीर लेकर मुहल्ले में बांटने को निकल चुके थे। इस बार तो हमारे गांव के मुखिया प्रत्यासी श्रीमती मनीषा देवी जी के सौजन्य से पंचायत भर में बिजली के खंभों पर Light की व्यवस्था कर दी गई है, लेकिन लोगों के हाथों में टॉर्च था फिर भी, उस स्थिति से निपटने के लिए जब बिजली चली जाए। किसी किसी के दरवाजे पर लोग आने जाने वालों को रोककर प्रसाद खिला रहे थे। मुझे याद आया, ये सब काम मैंने भी किया है। मैं भी जब तक अपने और अपने चारो तरफ के 4 मुहल्लों के सभी घरों के दरवाजे पर दस्तक देकर प्रसाद नहीं बांट देता था, तब तक घर वापस आकर चैन से नहीं बैठता था। एक पीतल की बाल्टी है हमारे पास, करीब 8-10 लीटर की। उस बाल्टी में भर भर कर दो बाल्टियां हम प्रसाद के रूप में बांट आते थे।

ये सारी बातें याद आने लगी तो मन फिर से भर आया, और फिर उन गलियों से, जिनमें कभी हम भी रात को एक टॉर्च के सहारे दो लोग घुमा करते थे, इस साल छठ में मैं घर आ गया।

आज छठ का तीसरा दिन है, प्रथम अर्घ्य या फिर संध्या अर्घ्य का दिन। सुबह से ही सोच रहा हूं, कहां घूमने जाऊं। अपने गांव का सूर्य मंदिर है, छठ के लिए इतना बड़ा मैदान है, अर्घ्य के लिए पोखरा है, सुविधा के लिए कृत्रिम झरना भी है। और फिर परसो तो पोखरा की चारो तरफ से सफाई भी हो चुकी है। वरना तीन तरफ से तो इतनी सारी झाड़ियां थी कि 3 साल से सिर्फ उसके सफाई के बारे में विचार ही किया जा रहा था। माननीय सांसद और केंद्रीय नवीकरणीय ऊर्जा मंत्री राजकुमार सिंह जी ने अपने क्षेत्र के सभी छठ घाटों पर सफाई और बिजली के लिए रुपए भी दिए हैं, जो सारी व्यवस्थाएं छठ पूजा समिति के सहयोग से पूरी होनी है। हर साल इतना अपार जन समूह हमारे गांव बालबाँध आता है व्रत करने, और छठ पूजा के अद्भुत, विहंगम दृश्य का साक्षी बनने। मैं खुद हर साल सबको आग्रह करता हूं, अपने गांव का छठ पूजा समारोह देखने के लिए। ऐसे में मेरा कहीं और जाना ठीक है या नहीं ये असमंजस अभी तक बना हुआ है। लोगों की भीड़ इकट्ठी होनी शुरू हो चुकी है। दुकानें लगनी शुरू हो चुकी हैं। वो सभी छठ घाट जो अभी दो घंटे पहले एकदम खाली थी, अब धीरे धीरे लोगों से भरने लगी है। सड़को पर अलग अलग स्वरों में अलग अलग गीत सुनाई पड़ने लगी है। और उन गीतों से तेज ध्वनि में गाड़ी वालों की Horn, जो आगे निकल जाना चाहते हैं। जल्दी उन्हें भी है, जिन्होंने अपने घर के किसी ऐसे सदस्य को ले जा रहे हैं, जो उतना लंबा सफर पैदल चलने में समर्थ नहीं है।

सूर्य मंदिर के छत पर लगी speaker में सबकुछ सुनाई पड़ रहा है, छठ के मधुर गीत भी, और उन्हीं गीतों को बीच में रोक कर किसी दान अथवा जरूरत की Announcement भी। तरपाल फैला कर लोग बैठ चुके हैं। अंधेरा हो चुका है। बत्तियां जल रही हैं। हालांकि अंधेरा इतना भी ज्यादा नहीं हुआ है कि सड़क पर बिना बत्ती के कुछ दिखे ना। लेकिन इतना जरूर हो गया है कि मंच के सामने लगे समियाना में बैठे लोगों को कोई भी चीज आसानी से देख पाना संभव नहीं है।

मैं अभी भी खुद को शून्य में समझ रहा हूं। ये वो छठ घाट है, जहां जब हमारा छठ होता है तो मुझे फुरसत नहीं होती किसी से बात करने की। घर से तारपाल ले जाओ, फिर ईख, फिर दउरा, और फिर एक एक सदस्य को, जो चल कर घाट तक जाने में असमर्थ हैं। और जैसे ही सबलोग घाट पर पहुंचते हैं, अर्घ्य दिलवाने जाना पड़ता है। अर्घ्य दिलवाने के लिए पहले तो व्रती लोगों के लिए पानी में उतरने और खड़े रहने की जगह तय करना, फिर घाट से जाकर फलों से लदा/सजा हुआ एक एक कलसुप लेकर बारी बारी से व्रती के हाथ में रखना, फिर उसे लेकर व्रती के पांच फेरे पूरे होने की प्रतीक्षा करना। और इन सभी पांच फेरों के दौरान पांच बार भगवान के नाम से जल अर्पित कर अर्घ्य पूरा करवाना, फिर एक कलसुप के पांच फेरे पूरे हो जाने पर दूसरा कलसुप, फिर तीसरा... ये सिलसिला हो जाता है। और जब अर्घ्य पूरा हो चुका, तब छोटे बच्चों के लिए खाने की व्यवस्था। क्योंकि इतने देर में इन्हें लग चुकी होती है भूख, और ये रोने लगते हैं।

ये सब बातें अभी खतम भी नहीं होती कि किसी न किसी काम से अंधेरे में, खाली पैर ही घर आना पड़ता है। खाली पैर इसलिए क्योंकि आप लेकर आए हैं दउरा, और दउरा लाने के लिए ना पैरों में चप्पल, और न ही कमर में belt चाहिए होती है। अगर गलती से भी आपने छठ के लिए कोई नई jeans खरीदी और वो आपके कमर में ढीली है, तो एक हाथ से दउरा और दूसरे हाथ से pant की जेब में रखकर पेंट को नीचे सरकने से रोके रहना कितना मुश्किल होता है, ये हम जानते हैं। सड़क अगर बनी हुई न हो, तो कंकड़ वाले रास्तों पर नंगे पैर चलना।

पर ये चीजें मायने नहीं रखती। आपके माथे पर रखा हुआ दउरा का बोझ आपके बोझिल मन से ज्यादा भारी कभी नहीं हो सकता। आपके हृदय में घर में छठ ना होने की खलल से ज्यादा रास्ते के कंकड़ कभी नहीं चुभ सकते। आप अपनी पैंट को हाथ से नहीं तो धागा बांध कर के भी संभाल सकते हैं, पर जब घर में छठ नहीं हो रहा हो तो बाकी लोगों को छठ करते देख आप खुद को संभाल नहीं सकते।

मैं शायद घर चला जाऊंगा। मैं शायद कान में Headphone लगा कर कोई Jazz Song या कोई Rap सुनना चाहूंगा, या कुछ ऐसा जो मुझे समझ न आए। पर आप आइए। ना सिर्फ घूमने के लिए और उन चीजों को सचमुच देखने के लिए, जो आपको लगता होगा कि मैं यूं ही कहता हूं छठ की भव्यता के बारे में, बल्कि इसलिए भी कि आप मुझसे मिले, और मुझे दिखाएं छठ की सुंदरता, भव्यता, लोक आस्था का सागर, और छठ महापर्व की महिमा। आप मुझसे कहिए कि मैं सही था, बालबाँध सूर्य मंदिर धाम पर छठ की भव्यता, सुंदरता, तैयारियां, जनसमूह, श्रद्धा, भक्ति, आस्था, विश्वास, एकजुटता, सहयोग भावना, समर्पण भावना, सूर्य मंदिर की खूबसूरती और प्रकृति के साथ इसके अद्भुत लगाव और स्थिति के बारे में।

आप आइए और मुझे घर जाने से रोकिए। आप आइए और कहिए मुझसे कि मेरे जैसा केवल मैं नहीं हूं। घाट पर पहुंचे हुए लोगों में भी ऐसे लोग बहुत मिल जायेंगे, जिनके यहां छठ नहीं हो रहा है, लेकिन वो इस बात से आहत नहीं है, बल्कि खुद को समझा लिए हैं, और अब इस भक्ति सागर में डुबकी लगाकर आनंदित हो रहे हैं। किसी को याद नहीं है कि उसके यहां छठ नहीं हो रहा है।

आप मुझे समझाइए कि वो जो मेरे घाट वाली जगह पर अपना घाट बना कर बैठे हैं, उन्हें आज वो Comfort मिल रहा है, जो तुम किसी के साथ बांटते नहीं थे। और देखो, वो परिवार खुश है। और ये वो परिवार है, जो बालबाँध का है भी नहीं। देखो, पोखरा के पानी में परावर्तित होकर दिखने वाला सूर्य मंदिर और भी ज्यादा खूबसूरत लग रहा है। देखो, मंदिर की सजावट इसकी भव्यता पर चार चांद लगा रही है, और इसे करनौल से भी आसानी से देखा जा सकता है। देखो तो रौशनी कितनी दूर तक फैली हुई है। देखो तो, रात हो चली है, और दीए की रौशनी कितनी आकर्षक लग रही है। देखो तो, वो छोटे छोटे बच्चे पटाखे छोड़ रहे हैं। चलो, उन्हें रोकते हैं या फिर निर्देश देते हैं कि पटाखे खुले मैदान में छोड़े। आसपास धान की अच्छी फसल लगी हुई है, जरा देखो तो, और ये Phone बंद करो पहले।

क्योंकि आंखों के सामने की Physical दुनिया इस Digital दुनिया से कहीं ज्यादा खूबसूरत है।

आइए और कहिए मुझसे कि छठ जीवन में एक ही बार नहीं आता।

और अगर आप आयेंगे, तो मुझे अच्छा लगेगा। नहीं तो फिर इस साल छठ में मैं घर तो चला ही जाऊंगा।

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Dipawali, Crush and Imagination

कल उस रस्ते से गुजरा मैं, जिस रस्ते में उसका घर पड़ता है. याद नहीं क्या, वही घर, जिसकी खिड़कियाँ मुझे मायूस कर देती हैं, हर रोज. ओ, तो मतलब आपने मुझे YourQuote पर नहीं पढ़ा शायद. कोई बात नहीं, link दिया हुआ है मैंने अपने id का, पढ़ियेगा. और कल तो मैं ऐसे समय पर गया था, जब हर तरफ दिये जगमगा रहे थे. कल मेरी bike की speed फिर से 30 थी. शुरूआती कारण शायद ये था कि मुझे ठण्ड लग रही थी.

ठण्ड के बारे में मुझे के बात अच्छी लगती है. ये बहुत ही ऊँचे सिद्धांत वाली है. ठंढ भी उस समय तक लगती है, जब तक आप ठण्ड के बारे में सोच रहे हैं. ठण्ड को भूल जाने के बाद ठण्ड नहीं लगती. और उसके घर के पास से गुजरते ही मैं भूल गया मुझे ठण्ड भी लग रही थी.

पर क्या है न, किसी भी चीज़ को भूल जाना इतना आसान नहीं होता. उसके लिए किसी और चीज़ को याद में लाना पड़ता है. किसी चीज़ को भूल जाने के लिए किसी दुसरे की याद में खो जाना पड़ता है, किसी दुसरे चीज़ में खुद को गुम करना पड़ता है. और अगर मैं कह रहा हूँ कि उसके घर के पास से गुजरते ही मैं ठण्ड को भूल गया, तो जाहिर है मैं भी किसी और याद में, किसी और विचारो में खोया होऊंगा.

और किसी और विचारो में खोना, वो भी उसके घर के सामने से गुजरते ही!!!! कहीं मैंने उसे ही तो नहीं देख लिया!!! हो भी सकता है. क्योंकि मेरे साथ ये हमेशा ही हुआ है कि एक ख़ास शख्स को देख लेने के बाद मैं उसे देखता नहीं रह जाता, बल्कि उसके बारे में कई सारी बातें, उससे जुडी कई सारी यादें, सब कुछ जेहन में एक साथ आने लगता है. और तब मेरे लिए उस शख्स को देखने से ज्यादा important ये हो जाता है कि दिमाग में जो यादों का Traffic Jam लगा है, पहले उसे clear कर लूँ.

तो ये भी हो सकता है कि उसके घर के सामने से गुजरते हुए मेरी नज़र किसी चीज़ पर पड़ी, और फिर मैं उसके ही बारे में सोचता हुआ, अपनी उलझनों को सुलझाता हुआ आगे बढ़ गया, और ठण्ड के बारे में भूल गया. मुझे साफ साफ याद है कि bike मैं ही चला रहा था. और सामने आने वाली चीजों को ठीक से observe भी कर रहा था. क्योंकि शाम के समय ये तय कर पाना मुश्किल होता है, कि सामने दिख रहे दो headlight किसी एक four wheeler के हैं या दो two wheelers के.

उसके घर से गुजरते वक़्त मैंने नीचे Main Gate से लेकर ऊपर आख़िर तक में देखा था. और अगर आप एक maths के student हैं तो आपके लिए ये calculate करना मुश्किल नहीं है कि 30 kmph के speed से किसी 10 foot चौड़ाई वाले घर को cross करने में 0.53 second का समय लगता है, अगर bike कि लम्बाई (4.5 foot) को भी शामिल कर दें तो. और अगर घर की चौड़ाई के बारे में कोई संदेह हो, तो मैं बताना चाहूँगा कि मैं सिर्फ उस एक हिस्से की बात कर रहा हूँ, जिसकी खिड़कियाँ मुझे मायूस कर देती हैं. वो हिस्सा जिसके खिडकियों पर हमेशा ही पर्दा टंगा होता है.

कल देखा मैंने उसे, दिये जलाते हुए. और मुझे यकीन है मैंने उसे ही देखा है, जिसको देखने के लिए मैंने उधर देखा था. सबसे ऊपर वाले छत के railing पर, एक दिये से बाकि दिये को भी जलाने की उसकी कोशिशों में आज पवन भी उसके साथ था. पिछले साल यही काम मैं कर रहा था, तो हवा के कारण मुझे समय ज्यादा लग गया था, और ऐसे में मेरे पटाखों को थोडा ज्यादा देर तक इंतज़ार करना पड़ा था.

यह एक Representing तस्वीर है.

यह एक Representing तस्वीर है.

मिट्टी के ये दिये जिन्हें एक निश्चित अनुमानित दुरी पर रखती हुई वो अच्छी लग रही थी. अच्छी लगने के पीछे वजह थी रात. दीयों की रौशनी इतनी शांत शांत सी थी, कि उतने रौशनी में अच्छे से सिर्फ उसकी कलाई दिख रही थी. Light की 100% opacity में सिर्फ उसकी कलाई दिख रही थी, जिस हाथ से उसने वो दीया पकड़ा हुआ था. बाकि 65% opacity में गले से ऊपर का उसका चेहरा. और उस 65% opacity वाले light में भी उसके चेहरे के उभार (जैसे गाल, नाक और माथा) पर रौशनी थोड़ी तेज़ थी.

या तो मैंने उसका dress देखा नहीं, Low light की वजह से, या तो मुझे याद नहीं है. क्योंकि अगर मुझे याद होता तो मैं बताता कि उसने पहना हुआ था एक ग्रे रंग का गाउन फ्रॉक. कल उसने अपना मुंह नहीं ढक/बांध रखा था अपने दुपट्टे से, बल्कि उस दुपट्टे को उसने रखा हुआ था सिर्फ एक कंधे से, जो दोनों तरफ से जमीन को छू रहा था. और इससे पता चल रहा था उसका कद. मैं बताता कि उस धीमी रौशनी में उसके curl अच्छे लग रहे थे.मैं बताता कि उसने जो नीले रंग की सैंडल पहनी हुई थी, उसके glitter चमक रहे थे. उसका वो एक नग वाला nosepin, और उसके कानों में झूलते हुए उसके हाथ की चूड़ी के आकार के झुमके, उसके फ्रॉक के गले का design और फिर उसके गले का वो necklace, एक तरफ से नीचे तक दुपट्टा, और एक तरफ 4 inch sleeve के बाद की कसीदाकारी, कमर में एक belt जो शायद उस फ्रॉक के साथ में मिला था, और चेहरे पर smile, इस combination को ठीक ठीक बता पाने के लिए मेरे पास शब्द नहीं है.

पहले मंजिल पर दीया जलाने की जगह के नाम पर सामने वाली खिड़कियाँ थी. और ये वही खिड़कियाँ हैं. तो इसपर आज भी पर्दा लगा हुआ था, इसलीये कोई दीया नहीं था इनके ऊपर. हाँ पर उस झिल्लीदार पर्दे से ये तो पता चल ही रहा था कि अन्दर कमरे में रौशनी काफी तेज़ थी. इन वफादार पर्दों के बारे में मैंने लिखा था कि:-

"उन पर्दों से वो पूरा काम ले रहे हैं त्योहारों में,

जब से हम दिखने लगे हैं उनके गलियारों में..."

मैंने देखा उसे छुरछुरी जलाते हुए, और उसे बिना हवा में घुमाए चुपचाप बुझने तक देखते हुए. Sparkling से निकलने वाले धुए से वो खुद को छुपाना चाहती थी, या फिर रौशनी को एक ही जगह रख कर वो खुद को दिखाना चाहती थी.

यह एक Representing तस्वीर है.

यह एक Representing तस्वीर है.

वापस से उसी dress code के साथ उसके हाथों में ये छुरछुरी, और उससे भी ज्यादा उसके आँखों में चमक. क्योंकि कई बार इंसान होठों पर मुस्कान का नाटक कर सकता है. ऐसे में उसकी ख़ुशी का गवाह उसकी आँखे ही होती हैं. और कल वाली आँखों में चमक थी, नमी नहीं.

यह एक Representing तस्वीर है.

उसके आँखों में चमक थी, शायद ये देख कर, कि हर तरफ लोग खुश नज़र आ रहे हैं.

कल मैंने उसे sky lantern हवा में छोड़ते देखा. वो जिसकी रौशनी में फिर से दिख रहे थे उसके हाथ, और उसका चेहरा. वो जिसे हवा में छोड़ देने के बाद उसने काफी देर तक नज़रों से उसका पीछा किया. और उस पल उसकी ख़ुशी, मैं महसूस भी नहीं कर सकता, बताना तो दूर की बात है.

यह एक Representing तस्वीर है.

मैंने कहा कि मैंने उसे देखा Lantern हवा में छोड़ने के बाद काफी दूर तक उसको देखते हुए, उसका पीछा करते हुए. मैंने उसे देखा दीया जलाते हुए. मैंने उसे देखा छुरछुरी जलाते हुए. इतना सबकुछ देखने के लिए तो उसके घर के सामने खड़े होकर, छत की ओर मुंह करके बिना पलके झपकाए कम से कम आधे घंटे देखना पड़ेगा. और मैंने ये भी कहा कि उस घर को 30 kmph के speed से cross करने में सिर्फ 0.53 second लगते हैं.

आधे घंटे रुकना मेरे लिए मुश्किल था, इसलिए भी क्योंकि उसी घर में एक दुसरे हिस्से में एक परिवार था, जो Ground Floor पर अपनी दिवाली मना रहा था, selfie ले रहा था, पटाखे छोड़ रहा था. ये देखकर कि उस परिवार में एक बालिका थी, और मेरा रुकना उस परिवार के लिए एक concern हो सकता था, मैं सीधा अपनी speed से आगे निकल गया.

अगर मैं और बढ़िया से बताऊँ, तो उसके घर से मेरे घर की दुरी उसी रफ़्तार से 4 मिनट की है. और अँधेरे रस्ते में मैं आधे घंटे रुक नहीं सकता. तो मतलब मैंने घर आने के बाद उसको देखा है, अपनी कल्पनाओं में. कल उसके घर के पास से गुजरते वक़्त जब उसके घर पर मेरी नज़र गयी, तो एक बार में मैंने देख लिया कि कहीं कोई रौशनी नहीं जल रही थी, अँधेरा था. बगल के घर से पड़ने वाली light से पता चल रहा था कि वो पर्दा आज भी लगा हुआ था.

तो कल दिवाली के दिन भी उस घर में मैंने अँधेरा देखा, जिसकी खिड़कियाँ मुझे अक्सर ही मायूस कर देती है. आस पड़ोस के घरों में तो काफी चहल पहल थी. मैंने देखा, उसी घर के दुसरे हिस्से में काफी रौशनी थी. घर के सदस्य काफी खुश थे, Selfies ली जा रही थी, छुरछुरी जलाई जा रही थी. घर के जिस दुसरे हिस्से में रौशनी थी, उसे देख कर लग रहा था मानो दिवाली सचमुच बहुत खुबसूरत होती है.

हर रोज की मायूसी एक तरफ है, और कल की मायूसी एक तरफ. पर क्या है न, अच्छा है. कल अगर रोज वाली मायूसी होती, तो मन ज्यादा ही मायूस होता. अच्छा हुआ कल वाली मायूसी रोज वाले मायूसी जैसी नहीं थी. ये थोडा अजीब है, लेकिन मेरे Point of view से सच है. क्या है न, हम हैं कवि किस्म के. और कवियों के लिए एक कहावत है- "जहाँ न पहुंचे रवि, वहां पहुंचे कवि".

तो उसके नहीं दिखने से मायूस होने से बढ़िया है मन में उसकी एक अच्छी वाली तस्वीर बना लो.

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