चाँद और वो

 

AI Generated Illustration

Tried to compare some features of the Moon to that of a person who has a special place in heart. The features include slight and continuous change along with the glorious and flawless beauty, where even the Moon is nothing before her. Check out more...

ना समय पता, ना दिन और न ही जगह,

बात छिपने की हो या कब कहीं से निकल आने की,

(There is no fixed time, date or place where she appears suddenly from or disappears.)

चाँद हमेशा से ही कुछ नहीं था उसके आगे,

बात खूबसूरती की हो या धीरे धीरे बदल जाने की,

(The moon was nothing before her ever, be it about beauty or slight and continuous change.)

उसके होने भर से वैसे तो मिलती है ठंडक,

बात सुकून की हो या उसे देखते ही पिघल जाने की,

(I feel some shiver when she's around. Be it about relief or melting after seeing her.)

उसको देख भी कहाँ पाते हैं हम नजर भर के,

आँखों को आदत है उसके चेहरे से फिसल जाने की,

(I can't even see her with my eyes full. They (eyes) fell off her face always.)

उसकी शिकायतें भी आखिर कैसे करें उससे,

बात गुस्से की हो या एक झलक से बहल जाने की,

(How do I complain her? Be it about the anger or propitiation with just a glance of her.)

फ़र्क़ पड़ता है उसके होने से बस यादों में भी,

बात रौशनी की हो या अंधेरों में भी सम्भल जाने की...

(Even her presence in my mind matters. Be it about light or being able to manage in the darkness.)

Initially this was a shayari (Second Line) about a girl who has dumped up a guy for someone else. Later it is converted into a poetry featuring someone's crush. Head to menu sections where categories of posts are provided with relevant posts.

By the way, some links to approach me for my works (significant and trivial) are provided below:

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Second Blog 

The Dream!!

 

The Dream!!

                Last night, before getting sleep, I told one of my village mate friends, “I had made a mistake which I had not supposed to be a mistake, but now I know was a blunder.” This is about the same mistake; I would tell it later in this note.

                By the way dream has no beginning. I mean we can’t remember exactly where did the dream start. And if you are not waking up suddenly by someone or something, you don’t even remember where did it got end. You just remember a part of it. So, I try to remember and share it in a sequence as far as I remember.

Dream Begins...

                I really wanted to eat Kachari, (head part of a gram plant). Because last evening, I told the same friend mentioned above to make a plan for Kachari. Even in my dream, I asked my friend to come with me for Kachari. But he rejected the proposal. I did not ask someone else for it, thinking that they might also reject it. So I went alone.

                If I really wanted to have that Kachari, I could have that. But I did not pluck a single piece and by walking fast, I went straight near our neighbouring village. Remember that I was on foot. Reaching near the village, I thought someone might ask me what I was doing there. So I plucked some pease. Despite there were people around me in the fields, I plucked some. And nobody told me anything.

                Walking ahead, I reached into a pass. I don’t know how I got bike there. My own bike. Further that I got it fuelled from a man of the village. He returned me 370 rupees out of 500 rupees for 1 litre. While petrol price at fuel stations is around 106.96 rupees per litre. Well, after that, the man asked where I was from and what my father name was. And when I answered him, he asked if Falana is my brother. I told yes. That means he knew my father and my brother.

                When I went ahead, I had no bike. The bike was lost. Then I had a cycle. And then I had reached near her house as well. But that was completely a different house. Earlier when I was taking fuels, the place exists in real. When I was in the fields, I can still recognise that place in real. But her house in the dream was completely different from the real once. The house is near a turn. There was one in the dream. But there is no slope as I saw in my dream. Riding a cycle on a curvy slope from downside up is really a tough job specially in the dreams. I could not do that. So I get off the cycle and tried to push it and climb.

                There was her house at the turn. By the way her house is near the curve in reality also. But there is no slope there. When I was climbing it, and I had completed only a half of it, I saw her at the other side of a door.

                She had worn a pencil grey t-shirt, and she was in a brown blanket. Her hairs were open. She was looking slimmer and thin than ever before. But she was still pretty as always. When my eyes fell over her, and she looked at me, I deliberately tried to ignore her.

                Yes, she was the same to whom I wanted to see daily, wanted to see every moment, and whenever wanted to see something, it was her. It had been my desire always to see her smiling face. But this could not be possible. There has passed more than 11 years and 4 months since the day, I had saw her first time. By the way, there are calculations done somewhere else. I would share it later.

                Even I don’t know the exact reason behind ignoring her. Maybe it was a side effect on her for my little disappointment with someone else few days ago. Or maybe I wanted just a glance of her, and I had got that glace. Anything the reason maybe, but I tried to ignore her.

                But this is not that easy to walk ahead after ignoring the person whom you always wanted to see and did not desire anything else after that person. There was the same situation for me. So, to get one more glance of her, I turned towards her. But till then, I had walked ahead some steps. And then, I could not see her by the door, but by the window that was there by side of the door.

                But strange! She was also looking at me. When she caught me looking at her, she asked, “I was looked at, aren’t I?” I could not trust my ears. I walked a little bit back to hide from her by the wall that lied between the door and window. I walked a bit back again and saw her by the door. She was still looking at me. She repeated the question, “I was looked at, aren’t I?” I was shocked. I walked ahead again and saw her by the window, she again asked the same question, “I was looked at, aren’t I?” And this was repeated by both of us, nearly 5 to 6 times. Every time, same thing.

                Finally, I stopped in front of her door. I wanted to know why she was asking it. When she saw me standing, she gestured to come near her. I went near the door. Then she asked, “You wanted to see me no, then look at me in details. I know you like me and you always want to see me. Then go ahead, I don’t mind.”

                Then I ran after it. Then I had no bicycle. It was lost. I returned onto the same path, which I had taken to reach her by cycle. I saw some people there. It looked like a worship was ongoing there. I had seen them people somewhere in real. But I can’t remember any of them now. I reached them and said, “She got to know it.” Someone asked me, “Who got to know what?” I said, “That I like looking at her.” Someone said, “This is what you wanted no, that she somehow gets to know it?” I told myself, “Yes, this is what I wanted, that she somehow gets to know that I like it when I look at her.”

                And then I thought, was it really a mistake that I told to my friend about, saying, “I had made a mistake.”

                In a month in 2021, I had shared to the elder sister-in-law about my crush and the brief history of how I met and how it was going till then. It was also about which village she belonged to, whose daughter was she. I said I like her. But the like was not in that way others do. I like looking at her face. I forget everything after just a glance of her, everything like the problems, complications and all, and only her smiling face is there in my mind for a long. But I don’t know whether she knows it or not. Don’t know if she had noticed it and had misunderstood me that I follow her, like her, love her or something like that. So, I want to get her know, if she doesn’t know, and clear her misunderstanding if she knows. I want to get her know that I am not a bad guy, and I don’t want anything from her except she comes across me frequently. So that I can get a glance of her. I want to tell her if she had no faith in boys in the world, if she was cheated or had met a wrong guy ever in life who had hurt her, if she had to take any judgement about boys, she must know I am there in this world who had never wished anything else but only to see her smiling face. And even today, while there is a negative chance to have a glance of her. I get a glance sometimes after more than a year, and till that I can recognise her, she gets passed on bike with her father or brother. So I want to tell her that there are boys like that in this world. At least there is one in her life, or there is a boy for her who doesn’t care about her past, present, future, character or literacy, mistakes, misdeeds, fortunes or anything. This is enough for me to get a chance to see her, even for some seconds.

Dream Over

 

                Now when I realised it was just a dream, now I telling about my crush to sister-in-law was certainly my mistake. Because she (sister-in-law) has promised to keep it a secret and won’t tell anyone. But she broke her promise the 4^th of 5^th day of getting to know, and elder sister got to know about it from her. Elder sister had gone to attend a marriage function at her home. When I came to know it, I requested sister-in-law to ask elder sister at least a photo of her (crush). But instead of asking for it indirectly, sister-in-law told elder sister directly that I had asked for a photo of her, because I like her. And elder sister, instead of sending photo in chat, put it into her WhatsApp status. I have a screenshot of that.

                Recently, on April 2, 2025, when I visited one of my friends’ village and then to another one’s, and then retuned to the first one again, with third friend. The first left for market with elder sister after a very short conversation in which elder sister had participated, and the topic was the third friend’s marriage. The first friend told us to take some time, have tea and then leave for our respective homes.

                The topic was still the third friend’s marriage, until we started taking tea. They both sisters-in-law were complaining about the invitation in his marriage. But when we headed to tea, the topic changed and I got in centre of the talk.

                I was waiting for the tea to get normal for taking, near north-west pillar. The friend was there, sitting on a sofa like chair near south-west pillar. We were in the west veranda. Both sisters-in-law were there in south veranda near the south-west pillar. One of them, the elder one was stitching something. Elder sister and the first friend had already left for market.

                The elder one of the two complaint me that I am angry at her perhaps because she had not done a work given by me. I retaliated it saying that she was being inattentive and ignoring me for last two times. The first time when I had visited there a week ago, and today, when I had visited there before then, the same day. Might be she was talking to me because of the third friend whom I had taken from the second friend’s village. Otherwise you would not have talked to me, and I had to leave with the first friend and elder sister. On my complaint, the younger sister-in-law supported me.

                And then, the elder sister-in-law told, “No I think it will be done. Because the relations between we and them are getting better.” The younger sister-in-law interrupted, “Don’t worry. I know everything.” Elder said, “Yes, I had told her everything about both of you. But now your work will be done.”

                I said, “I don’t need the work done anymore. If you had gone a far and about to complete it, don’t. Stop there. I don’t want to do that. Because now I think that things will not be same after it, like it is today.”

                I was to complete it when aunty came into the house. She was already there when we were talking about friend’s marriage. But when elder sister left, she also went outside. But she came again and I stopped there. But none of the two sisters-in-law were affected from it. Elder one said, “There is a Shiv-Charcha today there. It’s an opportunity for you. She maybe found there and you could meet her.” I gestured her with my angry face and eyes to stop. She stopped there. But the younger one started, “Yes. Elder sister was telling once that sometimes she takes part in Shiv-Charcha. She maybe found if you go.”

                She had not completed it when aunty interrupted, “So, there’s no conversation there?” I thought don’t know where she had come from and what she was asking about, so she might be asking it to sisters-in-law. Or might be she had left the conversation earlier so she was still talking about that. Because when we were talking about friend’s marriage, she was there.

But when no one answered her, she came near me, leant on the chair’s arm which I was sitting in, bowed a bit on me and asked, “You don’t have a contact number of her from that (the name of the village) village?” My friend along with sisters-in-law began to laugh, but they only showed their smiles. She further said, “Yes, if you don’t have that, you can tell us. We can provide you.”

                If this is said to be open-minded, I am not open-minded. And I don’t have to be that. I was made to cry inside on aunt’s question about the contact number. Because why did I tell the elder sister-in-law about my crush? Because why did she told everyone in the family about it? And even if she knew it, what is her right on me to ask that? Or which relation allows her to ask it to me? Had moms and aunts started supporting such things? Did she support their own son(s) and daughter(s) in their affairs? Had she helped and accepted the affairs of her own son(s) and daughter(s)? Had I ever asked them to talk to manage my talk to her? Had I ever asked them that I want to love her or get physical? Had I ever asked anything except just a chance to get a glance of her? Had not I told them, “You had to tell her only that I like only to look at her smiling face, and nothing else?”

                Then why did aunty say that? Why did the fact that only a few of my friends and a blog which is read by none, reached to aunty? And if it is reached, they should let it be a topic for their part time conversation in themselves. I couldn't mind it. But what was a need to ask me that? This is exposing my thoughts or hers? Getting attracted to things is normal for me. Because I am in that phase of life. Yet, I had maintained the dignity. I had never crossed the limit. I had never crossed the line. I had maintained the dignity and respect. But is this normal for her also? Shouldn’t she care about her dignity? Was it not her right the stop me instead of supporting? She could tell me to leave that all and focus on studies and career.

                I literally wept inside. If there was a chance I had shed my tears except the once when I was beaten by my mother, I would have shed my tears there that day also. If there was not the friend, taking tea, I would leave the house soon after that question about contact number. But he was taking tea, and I too. After finishing it, I could only ask a few words, “Would you come with me? Or I should take a leave?” That is because he was still sitting in chair while I was standing and ready to leave. Despite we were with our separate bikes, I wanted to leave with him. I took my helmet and touched everyone’s feet and left.

                It has been just three days since this incident. But I still can’t kick it out of my mind. I might forget about this dream. Because dreams are not in memories forever in its real form. So I noted it down here in the morning, just after waking up. But aunt's question is still moving around in my mind, and it will keep rounding. And going there and talking to them is almost over. When my friend will ask me for it, and I find my visiting there is a must, I would have to go. But I would not be the former one, like I was before this incident. There will be nothing like before. I can’t rise my eyes up. Things will not be changed.

                And if it is about seeing her (crush), she is rarely seen. Getting chances to see her has been almost over. So, seeing her or not seeing her is both the same. Because I can’t remember her last face for a very long. As long as more than a year. It gets faded. Yet, I did not make any effort to get the chance to see her, and I won’t do that in due course. Even after getting a glance, I had left to try to get a complete and detailed look of her very earlier. Now that I can’t walk with my eyes closed. And it is not in my hand for a face to come out to be of her in thousands of faces that come across me. But I won’t make any effort and there will be no excitement. And now I don’t want to convey my message and clear her misunderstanding, if there is a.

                If she wants to know, this blog is dedicated with content that is really wished her to get to know. She can check it here, get it, and understand it. The efforts from my side is no more. I can’t do it anymore.

The above note is based on true event, and orated exactly as told to the admin of this blog.

By the way, some links to approach me for my works (significant and trivial) are provided below:

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Second Blog 

It's been a Decade now

 

An AI Generated Photo

It all started with a glimpse. I can remember the date, 28th of December, 2013, Saturday. There was an inter-school competition, called Baal Mela Pratiyogita, organised in Urdu School. This competition was used to be organised every year for the student of primary and middle schools. Hence, it can be figured out that I was just a viewer in the event, not a performer. But, there were more people in my category. And some, despite being a student of middle school, had come into the event like a viewer. And, she was one of them.

The main purpose of writing this note is that, if someone find it, and had sympathy with me, please convey the message to her what I felt for her, and what she matters to me!!! Because I'm a bit chicken hearted. And may be because I fear from her reaction and reply in positive.

See, the rejection is always a threat to everyone. Nobody wants to be rejected with his/her idea/proposal. Not even when he is planning something inhumane. But what I fear from is, what if she agrees to my proposal. And, the thing to note that This Note Is Not A Proposal. It's just a message, to be read and conveyed to the deserving person, not elsewhere.

I'm the one who had once rejected a proposal, saying that I can't make it in my own village, as it may lead to dishonour and bad reputation. And the girl who had proposed me firmly said that if I could not make it with her, she would never be in a relationship with anyone until she would get married. It was not because I literally did not want to make it in my village. It was that I do not want to make it anywhere. I think this is just a time-pass. And I don't want to do it. If I don't do time-pass, may be I become a time-pass for someone. And this makes a threat to me.

I repeat that this is not a proposal note. My intention behind this note is crystal clear that I just want to convey my feelings and emotions for her and don't want her reply. It would be the best if things remain same even after she gets my message and acts like she doesn't know anything.

To make this note more clear, I am taking it into some details. She was standing at the other side of the school yard, with a pillar, surrounded by some girls. I was standing with my friends. I was having a close view on the performances, going on on stage. And in that while, one of my friends, with his exhibitory eyes, searched the girl. He turned my head toward her, asking, "What about this view?"

At that time I first saw her, she was looking towards the stage with half closed eyes or maybe she had just opened her eyes after a blink. She was smiling or maybe trying to control her laugh. Things were not in slow-motion. And even I did not imagine that in slow-mo. Because I was totally unaware of the things to come.

After the event was over, everyone left for their respective homes. Fortunately, our way to home was same. And, here it all took the shape, it is now. Her sitting in a Bolero and getting disappeared in front of my eyes left a place empty in somewhere in my heart. It was not because I fell in love with her. It was not because I had some sensations for her. There was nothing like that.

What it was actually about, was the voice from my inner self that her face with simplicity could be seen further. She looked so simple and natural that looking at her, I just forgot everything. And this remained till today. Even today, when I see her, I forget everything but her face. Even that when someone ask me what she was wearing, I can't remember. Because I've never seen anything, but her face. Because when I first saw her, it was only her face that gave me some good vibes. I saw a lot of girls at different places, villages, towns, cities, ceremonies, colleges or elsewhere. But the satisfaction that I felt looking at her face is yet not found anywhere else.

But, when she left me there on the streets, I was not on zero again. I had her memories, which I was recalling on every blink. I asked my friends for help so that I could find her. I was searching for her for a special purpose which I did in due course. Whenever I felt not good, I just visited her village to have a glimpse of her. This was the best remedy for me.

After a lot of efforts, I got to know her village, her house location and her name. These were enough for me. Some of my friends got to know about her, and could recognise her. This was very helpful for me. Because whenever she is seen somewhere and I was not around, my friends used to inform me with her accurate position.

A lot of fortune and good luck along with efforts made it 59 lucky days in which I got to see her face, sometimes for one third of a second. Yet, I count it in completed and don't distinguish from other days when I got enough time to look at her. The 59 times coming her across, which are getting fade, are 2 times at her school, 2 times on bicycle, 7 times on bike, 3 times in bus, 21 times in market, 17 times in her village, 1 time while returning from board exam, 4 times in nearby village Chhath Ghat, 1 time at my village Chhath Ghat are included.

Yes! The days exist when I got enough time to look at her. One of them which I always want to recreate was when she was sitting in a shop and curling her hair. And I??? I was standing alone by the other side of the road, desperately looking at her, trying not to blink. Standing alone because it was raining heavily, and I was completely wet in the rain. My notebook and even my phone were wet in the rain. But for me, looking at her was more important than safeguarding my phone and notebook. Vehicles were passing by and creating hindrance between us. But I was trying my best to continuously look at her, even through the glass of the vehicles. When the rain stopped after almost one and a half hour, she went away on a bike, and I was on my bicycle.

AI Generated representative image

So, if those 59 lucky days are counted 60, then I have seen her 6 times every year on an average. As the title says, it's been 10 years since I saw her first. This tells she had appeared in front of me after every two months. Coming into more details, she appeared 59 times in 3652 days. That means she was seen after almost every 62nd day. The calculation looks satisfying to the readers. What else can be desired if I get chances to see her every 2nd month?

But, the reality is different from the mathematical calculation. Her appearance was dense in earlier days. But with the passing of time, it became rare and rare to have a glimpse of her. I stopped making any effort like going to her village, following a routine on market time, and keeping an eye on her academic activities (i.e. college form filling, taking exams and other). One other reason behind this was many of my friends who knew her left the village/state for academic or economic purposes. So, there no one left to inform me about her.

Yet, I do not complain about her rare appearances. Because I never ever wanted to make any approach to her. In my early days, I used to visit her to see. But later, when I recalled my commitments, I stopped there. The more I make efforts, the more I get myself falling for her. So, I stopped myself from making efforts. And the result is here. Her last five glimpses were as follows:-

After months

5. 14/11/2018 – at Kaup, Kartik Chhath 4th day. She was returning home, and I had specially cut time to have a glimpse of her. There I saw her for one eighth second. I could merely recognize her.

Representative image of returning from Chhath Ghat

After 2 years, 9 months and 14 days (1018 days)

4. 28/08/2021 – at Garhani, Didi's room. I was informed about her visit, and followed her. Then luckily I got chance to host her along with her father. That is the second longest duration I saw her ever. Almost one and a half hour. (Detailed post is in Draft as yet.)

Representative illustration of a room

After 7 months and 10 days (222 days)

3. 07/04/2022 – at Sun Temple, on Chaiti Chhath. After returning from Belaur, I thought to have a flying visit at our village Sun Temple. And fortunately, reaching at the main gate and taking a turn, headlight focused at her face and I could not imagine my thankfulness level.

Representative image of girl sitting near temple door

After 11 months and 3 days (337 days)

2. 10/03/2023 – near Sun Temple. I was having an excursion ride. Near the Sun Temple, I saw her father coming on bike. But when he reached near me to cross, my eyes fell on her, and as soon as I could recognize her, the bike went away.

Representative image of man riding bike and girl sitting behind

After 8 months and 23 days (268 days)

1. 03/12/2023 – at Garhani. When returning home, I saw her father walking. In a hope of her presence nearby, I slowed down and followed him till the shop where she was eating Samosa with one of her cousins. This reminded me of the early days when I used to follow her throughout the market, till she went off. I thought to repeat the moment. But soon, she finished her Samosa and went away, seating on her uncle's bike with her cousin. But, when I followed her, she was seen on a Jewellery Shop.

Representative image of Samosa Vendor

Her going to a Jewellery shop made me think, she has come to the age where her parents/guardians must be thinking of her marriage. And I came home!!!! This doesn't disappoint me. Specially her marriage or affair(s) and her opinion about me never mattered to me. Because I'd decided in my early days of having crush upon her that I would never approach her to make something between us. And I remember that.

But, what disappoints me is that I will miss the chance of confessing my feelings for her, to her. And the guilt that she must have a misconception regarding my activities I do in front of her. She must have considered me in the stalkers type boys. I know that I'd done some stupid activities in the early days. But my intentions were crystal clear.

If I say 'I like her', then it has two different meaning in Hindi. But the most common will be the one in which I is the subject of the sentence. But the other meaning is 'She looks nice to me.' In this meaning, She is the subject of the sentence. It's she who has the quality that can be looked nice to someone. If I is the subject then then her qualities are ignored in the sentence. But in my sense, I like her because she has the qualities that not only I but anyone can like her.

See, there are two different things. If she doesn't know me, doesn't remember me, then it's ok. But if she knows me and has set an image of me, I would like her to make some changes into that. Because I am not that type of boy she knows. Since the first day, the only thing I desired is to look at her, nothing else. And when it comes to look at her, it's just looking at her face, nothing else. I look at her face to see a face collectively. I don't see her separately in eyes, nose, lips, cheeks, eyebrows, eyelid, ears, hairs, neck, figure/shape, height or anything. I see a whole of her.

In short, I never look at anyone, I repeat anyone, except their face. Because God has created face to distinguish people. Name is given by us. A name can be common. So I look at face. Further that I never imagine what would be under the clothes. So I don't look at other than face. If she were seen frequently, I would never have fished out her name and village details. Because there are three ways to see her.

1. She is seen frequently. And this is uncertain.

2. I try to see her. For this, I need your details to make an approach.

3. Her photographs. But I wanted to see her growing old. The wait for an uncertain time has its different type of feeling. If I see her in photographs in my mobile, this will become effortless.

The core purpose of the note is nothing matters to me other than her face. Not even her caste, religion, belief, character, family background, status, whether she is single, committed, married or engages, her attitude, whether stormy, pacifist, irritable, literate, illiterate, family members, nothing matters to me. And when I say it doesn't matter, it really doesn't matter. Because non of these can change my feelings for her.

There are so many reasons to call her my crush. But I don't call her my Crush. Instead, I say I have a crush on her. Because the word 'Crush' somewhere refers to the term 'Dream/Desire/Wish/Hope...' It brings a lot of dreams in our favour. And I don't want the dream remain incomplete to hurt me. See, I'm not hurt even after seeing her in the jewellery shop. But the other factor is also true that since the day I first saw her I've written so many poetries, short stories, quotes and two novels out of which one is published on Amazon and the other is missing after a friend borrowed that from me.

After going through the above paragraphs, anyone can have the question 'Why she?'. I don't know. The only thing I can say is that when I saw her first, I felt like the view can be seen. I wanted to see her again and again. It was satisfying to see her, smiling, unaware of surroundings, with innocence. But the smile must be of her own. If I see her tensed or abnormal, I will never try to know the reason behind and solve it. Because that will show my selfishness. I can't make her smile or laugh just because I feel satisfied looking at her.

Going through the passage again you'll see I've not asked any question. Because I've already said this note is not a proposal. I don't like her. But this never means I dislike her. Not being someone's friends doesn't mean he is my enemy. Liking her is easy, disliking is tough. Yet, I do the later. None of my friends call her Bhabhi, Maal, Bandi, GF or any bad/offensive word. Because they know the extent to which I can go. I can see her from a distance, desperately.

I don't want her to fall for me. Because I can't make love with her. I'm committed to my future wife. I want to gift her an untouched man irrespective of her past. The purpose of the note is that, she must know there a man exist who only wants to see her from a distance, smiling with her own reason(s). Yes, I can see her without any sensation, ridiculous imaginations. Yes, I admit I looked at her without a blink. But never stared at her. I want my feelings to be expressed. I want her to know what she matters to me. I want her not to consider me in stalker type boys. I want her not to feel for me, not to fall for me. I want things to remain same even after she gets my message.

The footnote:-

After coming to the conclusion, I found that I don't like her, or she is not looked nice to me. The main thing is, I just feel good when I see her smiling face. This makes me forget everything that time, and just look at her until I feel bored. And she looks more interesting every time she comes across.

Above note is written on behalf of someone on request so that he can share the post link instead of sharing the voice note, or written note or typed message.

Crush, एकतरफा मुलाक़ात और एहसान

 

तुम क्या ही समझोगे मेरा हाल-ए-दिल तुम्हें देखकर,

तुम क्या समझोगे तुम्हारे लिए मेरे जज़्बात क्या है,

एक तरफा मोहब्बत बहुत देखा-सुना होगा तुमने भी,

शायद तुम नहीं समझो एकतरफा मुलाकात क्या है,

तुम्हारे खयालों में कुछ इस तरह बंधा हुआ रहता हूं,

इन हसीन खयालों से अच्छा कोई हवालात क्या है,

दर्द ने भी इन दिनों खुशियों वाली चादर ओढ़ रखी है,

तुम्हारे सिवा मैं दूसरा क्या कहूं कि कायनात क्या है,

कल ही तुमने इनकार किया मेरे इजहार-ए-इश्क़ को,

हां, पर तुमने ये नहीं कहा था कि मेरी औकात क्या है,

कल तुमने ख़तम सा कर दिया किस्सा हमदोनों का,

मैं अभी तक ये समझ नहीं पाया था शुरुआत क्या है,

आज तुम्हें मायूस होकर खुद से बातें करते देखा मैंने,

पर मजबूरी ये है कि पूछ भी नहीं सकता बात क्या है,

हिम्मत किश्तों में साथ छोड़ती जा रही है मेरी अब,

आँखों में सिर्फ नमीं ही है तो फिर बरसात क्या है,

मेरे बुजदिली की सजा मेरे बेगुनाह इश्क़ को न मिले,

इजहार-ए-इश्क़ ही अगर गुनाह है तो मेरे साथ क्या है,

मुझे इश्क़ हो गया तुमसे तो तुमने भी मुझसे कर ली,

अगर इसे तुम इश्क़ कहते हो तो फिर खैरात क्या है,

यूँ तो सख्त लड़को में गिनती होती है मेरी शुरू से,

जो तुम गुजरी, जो मैं पिघला, मोम की बिसात क्या है,

तुम्हारे झुमके से आ रही थी टकराकर रौशनी उस रात,

मैंने आसमान की ओर देखा, कि चांदनी रात क्या है,

मुझे टूटना पसंद है इकतरफ़ा इश्क़ करते करते,

पर जानना है मेरे बारे में, तुम्हारे ख़यालात क्या है,

मैं दुनिया भर में पूछता फिर रहा था कि सुकून क्या है,

तुम्हें मुस्कुराता देखा तो भूल गया मेरे सवालात क्या हैं.

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Love, Crush, Future Wife and My world

I start a walk. I don't know where it is going to. I don't know whether it has an end or I will have to return. I don't know whether it is morning or evening. I just keep walking. Being in Love has the same concept I think. In my opinion, if you ask, Love has no route, no finishing point, no time limit, no aim and even no sense. Those who are in Love don't know what they are actually going through or what their life is going through.

Literally if you ask, I am talking about winter season. You see for is there all around. It feels like someone enters in the fog. But it's not like that. He who enters in the fog don't feel the same that he has entered in the fog. There is the difference between the point of view. Observer point of view says that someone has entered in the fog. But he who enters doesn't feel the same about himself. In the other situation, he who walks through the fog feels that he has left the observer in the fog.

You might not getting what I want to say. Don't worry, I'll make it clear. Let's come to the point. I am talking about Being in Love. People are often misled of my being in Love. They think that I'm in Love and not telling them. But this is the same as I have given above example. I am walking in search of Love and people think I am in Love. Reality is that they are in Love and their affection for me makes them assume that I'm in Love.

If I come to explain them, they won't believe it. They know I write quotes and poems along with notes about Love. They know the quotes I write are very relatable to all. They know I often talk about True Love. They had always observed me smiling. Smile!! what a beautiful topic to talk about! Oh!

There is a saying in English- "Behind every success, there is a woman." I rephrased it, saying- "Behind every smile, there is a female." This is not my phrase. This is what I have always heard from people who asked me, "Who is the reason for your smiling face?" Hey, this is not so simple to say as it looks here. They say, someone must have prayed that's why I am smiling. People in my circle tease me, saying that I'm single. But when it really comes to share some quality time, they turn their back, saying I'm lying about my singlehood.

I said no, my Being in Love is like my being in fog. People observing me from a place see me entering in and coming out from FOG. But only he who walks with me can realize that being an observer he was wrong. Same thing is here. He who says I'm lying about my singlehood, must live sometimes with me. He will automatically come to share his girlfriend with me as a sympathy.

I'm not on social gaming platforms where most of my friends got their call-mates to talk over night. The reason behind this is I can't hide my cheap behavior there. And, being called a cheap is not my thing. I'm very desperate about experiencing how it feels to have girlfriend. I listen to my friends when they share their experiences and imagine the same on me. I watch dating videos on YouTube. Some channels (i.e. Filtercopy, Binge, Alright, TSP, RVCJ Media, Arre, The Viral Fever, POPxoDaily, The Timeliner, Gobble, Harsh Beniwal, Patakha, This is Sumesh, ScoopWhoop etc.) on YouTube are there in my following list. They create feelings in me, for none.

When I listen to Arijit Singh, I literally begin to cry, feeling broken. But when I think about the person who have broken me, there is no one. I then find myself stupid. That's why I have started listening to English songs, which I don't understand. I listen to Love Poet, not because I can relate to their lines. This is just because I want to feel the same they have felt. I know this is not possible even in this fast world, where 3D motion pictures can be enjoyed.

Coming to the first example, I want to get into the fog. I walk into it and want to embrace the Fog like no one had ever did before. But Fog is not coming to me. The closer I move, the farer it goes. He who walks with me can see me walking faster. Not because I'm afraid of something un-wanted. I just want to embrace the Fog and never leave it.

Now replace the Fog with Love. Those who observe me entering into Love don't know I actually want to embrace Love tight. The less the number in meter for visibility is, the more I see chances to actually get into the Fog. Same with Love. The more the options, the more the chances. But nothing comes true in my case. And what the truth is is not acceptable by the society, I live in. 

So, should I change the society??!!! I shall discuss on it in the finishing paragraph.

As I have mentioned, I sit with my friends when they share their experiences. I shit quiet. But my words matter for none. My presence matters. Those who see me sitting with friends and discussing about Love, they raise question Why? And, before I could explain them, they already have their own answer, I must be in Love. The same Why is raised in me regarding can't I be single. If you go for opinion poll with this question, a maximum will answer you NO. Reason is they are not single. They are committed.

Here is a myth. If someone has overeaten, he thinks no one is hungry. This is universal truth. If someone comes with an objection, I can't accept it. Because he doesn't accept I can be single. But, somewhere in a corner of my heart, myself respect doesn't allow me calling myself single. Shocked!! Don't worry, let me explain.

Also I'm not single. I'm committed with my FUTURE WIFE. Hey, don't think that. Who will be my Future Wife is not decided yet. Yet, I'm committed with her. She will be going to get a man who has no past. There will be no one to claim of being my ex. I won't be an apple of discord. My Future Wife will get an unexperienced guy. So, in this case, my Future Wife will not only be my wife, but also my teacher. I've already written a column on FUTURE WIFE, with this title  Dear Future Wife... So, I don't stretch this not further on this topic.

Also, I've feelings for my crush. Hey, I can't deny this truth. Yes, many of you know about Crush. If don't, I know you are smart enough to Google it. Google will tell you Crush is a person to which you want to share your words regarding your feelings. But let me tell you what Crush means for me.

When I accidently cross with my Crush, I just look at her face. This is very satisfying for me. I don't look at elsewhere. I want to see her smiling. I want to see her eyes blink in slow motion. I want to see her laser cut hairs that she carries to stick with her ear again and again. I don't want to see her dimples. I want to see her lips changing shapes and length with her smile. I want to skid with the softness her face has. I want to see her continues without my eye blinks till the time, I would have no longer need to see her again. I don't want to compare her face with another ones. Because when I see her face, there is no face I want to see after. My eyes and heart doesn't allow me looking at something else.

There is no body sensation I feel. There is no stuttering in my words. I just feel different. This is not the same feeling my friends have for their beloveds. I feel I should express my feelings to her. But I don't understand what type of feeling I have. I don't understand what will I tell her. I don't know how to break the ice and keep the ball rolling. I'm not ready for a maiden speech. I don't feel my heartbeat turns faster after coming close to her. Yet, I have not been in her 15 meters radius.

There is no such feelings like she would be my girlfriend or friend or classmate or neighbor and all. Not at all. I just imagine myself and her in a single frame. For me, nothing but seeing her face matters. This is not because she is very beautiful. This is not because I haven't seen anyone more beautiful than her. This is because the simplicity and glory I see in her, is rare. It is hard to smile naturally. It is hard to burst into laughing. She doesn't care who is noticing her, who is following her, who is stalking her.

My first novel The Statement was all about my struggles for the single glance of the said face. But unfortunately, someone (I know the name) has lost it. I had mentioned every little stuff. I remember I had written that on January 24th, 2014, the distance between me and her was 17.05 meters or 19.1 yard. Air was a bit moisture. Cold breeze was blowing. She had worn a jacket with Dard blue and black linings over a pink top, and a Jeans in black. Sandals were looking about 7 months old. She had no scarf. That's why she was feeling cold in the afternoon. She just sat in a shop and covered her ears with her hands. Sometimes, she was blowing air in her hand and touching her ears with the warmed palm.

There were many such little stuff were written in the novel. Now, every date is forgotten. I still remember every incidents. But it is no use I remember such things. I tried my best to get over these things when I heard of losing my novel manuscript. I had written how I first met my crush. This was like we had attended a function. I was standing with my friends watching performances by school boys. Also she was standing with her friends on the opposite side, watching performances by school boys. My friends were looking at her, continuously, in a hope of that one chance when she looks at him and he could pass a sign. After looking for almost 40 hours, when she did not turn to us, one of my friends turned my head towards her.

I looked at her from her left. She was enjoying the function. But for us, she was the center of attraction. And, unfortunately she turned to us just after five minutes. The moment when she turned to us, we were looking at her. One of my friends passed him a signal in sign language. She turned back. After the function was end, we moved out the hall. We followed her to know where she would left for. The idea was not mine. I was feeling nothing for her till the time. But, when she caught her car to home, I felt something is missing. There the story started.

But the question is that is this called being committed? If yes, why your committed status is different than mine? It costs nothing to have crush on someone. Also I was someone's crush, and I know it. But unlike me, she had made an approach to me and proposed me for Time Pass.

Yes, I call it time pass. If you are taking someone's time for no use, this is time pass. Those who claim that I am hiding about my Love can tell me the definition. If there would be anything common in there Love and mine, I would honestly admit it. But no, there is nothing. Talking to a girl whole night is Love for them. Having been in physical relation is Love for them. Meeting and long ride is Love for them. Sharing moments and happiness is Love for them. Gift and Valentine week are the key factor to express their Love. And when it comes to marry, the don't choose the same mate.

Why does it need a Girlfriend, when everything can be made with wife? Is this because it is your swag? No. This is because you can't wait till the time. You can't wait for your Wife/Husband's entry in your life. Till the time, you need a toy to play with for your enjoyment and entertainment. And yes, I'm proud to say I'm single. Because I can wait for my wife.

You have some rights. One of them also this is that it's your choice to accept it or not. I was looking for a world where people could understand me and accept me for what I am, without question. Because I believe in the fact. If someone say I don't have pen, I accept it and look for a solution, if he is in need. I don't ask him Why doesn't he have pen. We are not same. When I have to share something, I find blog to share or note it in my diary. I don't always need a friend to share things with. And, I'm blessed with the smart friends who give me solution related to life problems.

Yet, I'm in search of my own world, where everyone can be understood. If someone makes mistakes, don't repeat Why again and again. I'm not saying that you stop your Time Pass. What I want to say is that don't ask my Why am I single again and again. You carry on with your Time Pass and do accept that someone in this world, in this century can be single. Because yes, I am waiting for the one, I don't know. Don't judge me with my quotes, notes and poems. None of them is based on my personal experience.

Sometimes I feel, telling people that I am single has same effect like you are riding bicycle on a slope and pedaling in reverse, without applying brakes. For me, Love should be a solid state of matter, so that I could have it in atomic mass, if not in Kilo.

Yet, I'll be present to share things about Love. Do follow me on other social media platforms. Click on the respective option where you want to see us.

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