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| An AI Generated Photo |
It all started with a glimpse. I can remember the date, 28th of December, 2013, Saturday. There was an inter-school competition, called Baal Mela Pratiyogita, organised in Urdu School. This competition was used to be organised every year for the student of primary and middle schools. Hence, it can be figured out that I was just a viewer in the event, not a performer. But, there were more people in my category. And some, despite being a student of middle school, had come into the event like a viewer. And, she was one of them.
The main purpose of writing this note is that, if someone find it, and had sympathy with me, please convey the message to her what I felt for her, and what she matters to me!!! Because I'm a bit chicken hearted. And may be because I fear from her reaction and reply in positive.
See, the rejection is always a threat to everyone. Nobody wants to be rejected with his/her idea/proposal. Not even when he is planning something inhumane. But what I fear from is, what if she agrees to my proposal. And, the thing to note that This Note Is Not A Proposal. It's just a message, to be read and conveyed to the deserving person, not elsewhere.
I'm the one who had once rejected a proposal, saying that I can't make it in my own village, as it may lead to dishonour and bad reputation. And the girl who had proposed me firmly said that if I could not make it with her, she would never be in a relationship with anyone until she would get married. It was not because I literally did not want to make it in my village. It was that I do not want to make it anywhere. I think this is just a time-pass. And I don't want to do it. If I don't do time-pass, may be I become a time-pass for someone. And this makes a threat to me.
I repeat that this is not a proposal note. My intention behind this note is crystal clear that I just want to convey my feelings and emotions for her and don't want her reply. It would be the best if things remain same even after she gets my message and acts like she doesn't know anything.
To make this note more clear, I am taking it into some details. She was standing at the other side of the school yard, with a pillar, surrounded by some girls. I was standing with my friends. I was having a close view on the performances, going on on stage. And in that while, one of my friends, with his exhibitory eyes, searched the girl. He turned my head toward her, asking, "What about this view?"
At that time I first saw her, she was looking towards the stage with half closed eyes or maybe she had just opened her eyes after a blink. She was smiling or maybe trying to control her laugh. Things were not in slow-motion. And even I did not imagine that in slow-mo. Because I was totally unaware of the things to come.
After the event was over, everyone left for their respective homes. Fortunately, our way to home was same. And, here it all took the shape, it is now. Her sitting in a Bolero and getting disappeared in front of my eyes left a place empty in somewhere in my heart. It was not because I fell in love with her. It was not because I had some sensations for her. There was nothing like that.
What it was actually about, was the voice from my inner self that her face with simplicity could be seen further. She looked so simple and natural that looking at her, I just forgot everything. And this remained till today. Even today, when I see her, I forget everything but her face. Even that when someone ask me what she was wearing, I can't remember. Because I've never seen anything, but her face. Because when I first saw her, it was only her face that gave me some good vibes. I saw a lot of girls at different places, villages, towns, cities, ceremonies, colleges or elsewhere. But the satisfaction that I felt looking at her face is yet not found anywhere else.
But, when she left me there on the streets, I was not on zero again. I had her memories, which I was recalling on every blink. I asked my friends for help so that I could find her. I was searching for her for a special purpose which I did in due course. Whenever I felt not good, I just visited her village to have a glimpse of her. This was the best remedy for me.
After a lot of efforts, I got to know her village, her house location and her name. These were enough for me. Some of my friends got to know about her, and could recognise her. This was very helpful for me. Because whenever she is seen somewhere and I was not around, my friends used to inform me with her accurate position.
A lot of fortune and good luck along with efforts made it 59 lucky days in which I got to see her face, sometimes for one third of a second. Yet, I count it in completed and don't distinguish from other days when I got enough time to look at her. The 59 times coming her across, which are getting fade, are 2 times at her school, 2 times on bicycle, 7 times on bike, 3 times in bus, 21 times in market, 17 times in her village, 1 time while returning from board exam, 4 times in nearby village Chhath Ghat, 1 time at my village Chhath Ghat are included.
Yes! The days exist when I got enough time to look at her. One of them which I always want to recreate was when she was sitting in a shop and curling her hair. And I??? I was standing alone by the other side of the road, desperately looking at her, trying not to blink. Standing alone because it was raining heavily, and I was completely wet in the rain. My notebook and even my phone were wet in the rain. But for me, looking at her was more important than safeguarding my phone and notebook. Vehicles were passing by and creating hindrance between us. But I was trying my best to continuously look at her, even through the glass of the vehicles. When the rain stopped after almost one and a half hour, she went away on a bike, and I was on my bicycle.
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AI Generated representative image
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So, if those 59 lucky days are counted 60, then I have seen her 6 times every year on an average. As the title says, it's been 10 years since I saw her first. This tells she had appeared in front of me after every two months. Coming into more details, she appeared 59 times in 3652 days. That means she was seen after almost every 62nd day. The calculation looks satisfying to the readers. What else can be desired if I get chances to see her every 2nd month?
But, the reality is different from the mathematical calculation. Her appearance was dense in earlier days. But with the passing of time, it became rare and rare to have a glimpse of her. I stopped making any effort like going to her village, following a routine on market time, and keeping an eye on her academic activities (i.e. college form filling, taking exams and other). One other reason behind this was many of my friends
who knew her left the village/state for academic or economic purposes. So,
there no one left to inform me about her.
Yet, I do not complain about her rare appearances.
Because I never ever wanted to make any approach to her. In my early days, I
used to visit her to see. But later, when I recalled my commitments, I stopped
there. The more I make efforts, the more I get myself falling for her. So, I
stopped myself from making efforts. And the result is here. Her last five
glimpses were as follows:-
After months
5. 14/11/2018 – at Kaup, Kartik Chhath 4th day. She was returning home, and I had specially cut time to have a glimpse of her. There I saw her for one eighth second. I could merely recognize her.
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| Representative image of returning from Chhath Ghat |
After 2 years, 9 months and 14 days (1018 days)
4. 28/08/2021 – at Garhani, Didi's room. I was informed about her visit, and followed her. Then luckily I got chance to host her along with her father. That is the second longest duration I saw her ever. Almost one and a half hour. (Detailed post is in Draft as yet.)
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| Representative illustration of a room |
After 7 months and 10 days (222 days)
3. 07/04/2022 – at Sun Temple, on Chaiti Chhath. After returning from Belaur, I thought to have a flying visit at our village Sun Temple. And fortunately, reaching at the main gate and taking a turn, headlight focused at her face and I could not imagine my thankfulness level.
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| Representative image of girl sitting near temple door |
After 11 months and 3 days (337 days)
2. 10/03/2023 – near Sun Temple. I was having an excursion ride. Near the Sun Temple, I saw her father coming on bike. But when he reached near me to cross, my eyes fell on her, and as soon as I could recognize her, the bike went away.
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| Representative image of man riding bike and girl sitting behind |
After 8 months and 23 days (268 days)
1. 03/12/2023 – at Garhani. When returning home, I saw her father walking. In a hope of her presence nearby, I slowed down and followed him till the shop where she was eating Samosa with one of her cousins. This reminded me of the early days when I used to follow her throughout the market, till she went off. I thought to repeat the moment. But soon, she finished her Samosa and went away, seating on her uncle's bike with her cousin. But, when I followed her, she was seen on a Jewellery Shop.
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| Representative image of Samosa Vendor |
Her going to a Jewellery shop made me think, she has come to the age where her parents/guardians must be thinking of her marriage. And I came home!!!! This doesn't disappoint me. Specially her marriage or affair(s) and her opinion about me never mattered to me. Because I'd decided in my early days of having crush upon her that I would never approach her to make something between us. And I remember that.
But, what disappoints me is that I will miss the chance of confessing my feelings for her, to her. And the guilt that she must have a misconception regarding my activities I do in front of her. She must have considered me in the stalkers type boys. I know that I'd done some stupid activities in the early days. But my intentions were crystal clear.
If I say 'I like her', then it has two different meaning in Hindi. But the most common will be the one in which I is the subject of the sentence. But the other meaning is 'She looks nice to me.' In this meaning, She is the subject of the sentence. It's she who has the quality that can be looked nice to someone. If I is the subject then then her qualities are ignored in the sentence. But in my sense, I like her because she has the qualities that not only I but anyone can like her.
See, there are two different things. If she doesn't know me, doesn't remember me, then it's ok. But if she knows me and has set an image of me, I would like her to make some changes into that. Because I am not that type of boy she knows. Since the first day, the only thing I desired is to look at her, nothing else. And when it comes to look at her, it's just looking at her face, nothing else. I look at her face to see a face collectively. I don't see her separately in eyes, nose, lips, cheeks, eyebrows, eyelid, ears, hairs, neck, figure/shape, height or anything. I see a whole of her.
In short, I never look at anyone, I repeat anyone, except their face. Because God has created face to distinguish people. Name is given by us. A name can be common. So I look at face. Further that I never imagine what would be under the clothes. So I don't look at other than face. If she were seen frequently, I would never have fished out her name and village details. Because there are three ways to see her.
1. She is seen frequently. And this is uncertain.
2. I try to see her. For this, I need your details to make an approach.
3. Her photographs. But I wanted to see her growing old. The wait for an uncertain time has its different type of feeling. If I see her in photographs in my mobile, this will become effortless.
The core purpose of the note is nothing matters to me other than her face. Not even her caste, religion, belief, character, family background, status, whether she is single, committed, married or engages, her attitude, whether stormy, pacifist, irritable, literate, illiterate, family members, nothing matters to me. And when I say it doesn't matter, it really doesn't matter. Because non of these can change my feelings for her.
There are so many reasons to call her my crush. But I don't call her my Crush. Instead, I say I have a crush on her. Because the word 'Crush' somewhere refers to the term 'Dream/Desire/Wish/Hope...' It brings a lot of dreams in our favour. And I don't want the dream remain incomplete to hurt me. See, I'm not hurt even after seeing her in the jewellery shop. But the other factor is also true that since the day I first saw her I've written so many poetries, short stories, quotes and two novels out of which one is published on Amazon and the other is missing after a friend borrowed that from me.
After going through the above paragraphs, anyone can have the question 'Why she?'. I don't know. The only thing I can say is that when I saw her first, I felt like the view can be seen. I wanted to see her again and again. It was satisfying to see her, smiling, unaware of surroundings, with innocence. But the smile must be of her own. If I see her tensed or abnormal, I will never try to know the reason behind and solve it. Because that will show my selfishness. I can't make her smile or laugh just because I feel satisfied looking at her.
Going through the passage again you'll see I've not asked any question. Because I've already said this note is not a proposal. I don't like her. But this never means I dislike her. Not being someone's friends doesn't mean he is my enemy. Liking her is easy, disliking is tough. Yet, I do the later. None of my friends call her Bhabhi, Maal, Bandi, GF or any bad/offensive word. Because they know the extent to which I can go. I can see her from a distance, desperately.
I don't want her to fall for me. Because I can't make love with her. I'm committed to my future wife. I want to gift her an untouched man irrespective of her past. The purpose of the note is that, she must know there a man exist who only wants to see her from a distance, smiling with her own reason(s). Yes, I can see her without any sensation, ridiculous imaginations. Yes, I admit I looked at her without a blink. But never stared at her. I want my feelings to be expressed. I want her to know what she matters to me. I want her not to consider me in stalker type boys. I want her not to feel for me, not to fall for me. I want things to remain same even after she gets my message.
The footnote:-
After coming to the conclusion, I found that I don't like her, or she is not looked nice to me. The main thing is, I just feel good when I see her smiling face. This makes me forget everything that time, and just look at her until I feel bored. And she looks more interesting every time she comes across.
Above note is written on behalf of someone on request so that he can share the post link instead of sharing the voice note, or written note or typed message.
